{Art Book and Random 2}

vent (very stupid vent) :)

I'm sorry that I changed
I'm sorry what I did in past
I'm sorry that I didn't get what you expect me to be
I'm sorry that I was so dumb
I'm sorry that I keep making myself hurt
I'm sorry that I didn't eat much
I'm sorry that I don't social much
I'm sorry that I was being so scared
I'm sorry that I didn't sleep well
I'm sorry that I didn't keep my grades well
I'm sorry that I got you in trouble
I'm sorry that I keep hiding so much emotions
I'm sorry that I keep things secrets
I'm sorry I keep venting so much
I'm sorry I can't feel better
I'm sorry that you expect me to be straight person
I'm sorry that I didn't feel woman you expect to be
I'm sorry that I identify as queer (she/they non binary)
I'm sorry that you get tired of me
I'm sorry that you starting to leave me
I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough
I'm sorry I was being so stubborn
I'm sorry for everything
I just hate when I look back that my old self was better person than I am currently
I just felt so hurt, I struggle with eating, sleeping, anxiety, and panic attacks.
I feel like my problems keep making me feel like I'm not same person.
I just feel like people doesn't care about me anymore no matter what I try get their attention and try feel love again.
But all I feel so alone
I talk with my parents about my problems but sometimes they don't take it seriously they think it will go away easy. But that not point of solving a problems because they will come back again.
I've been experiencing being so alone, it not easy what you think.
I don't take my feelings too seriously and I just don't want to open my sadness. I just feel so embarrassed for crying.
I'm not best with emotions.
Also
Art is not going to help me and make me feel happy magically
No matter what I tried to  do something to entertain myself but I caught myself being bored because I have no one to talk with.(besides my best friend but they usually offline later on [my time zone])
I felt so stupid for writing this because it sound like I was being a b!tch who wants attention and making this as guilt trip.
I'm just mess who struggle with mental health and want to be okay but knowing that they won't.

In case, you may like "oH why not just check up on yourself/or talk to therapist" I already knew that I'm not okay, I can tell my body is feeling weaker and losing weight. And second, I don't have therapist. My old therapist had to leave their job for personal reasons.

This so so stupid for venting this. Knowing that it sound dumb to say about.

I don't know how long I hold my breath for writing this.

this writing remind me of my old self again that I wrote back then.

522 words.