The Psychology of Love

Chapter 21 Negation

He breathes, but shallowly.

Doesn't want to give his lungs enough oxygen.

Don't want them to fill his body.

Ventilate.

Bring to life.

Does not want it.

Doesn't want to feel it.

With him.

Sam has come back.

And I guess he needs to show him why that was a wrong decision.

He wants Sam to see why he should have rather not come back.

He doesn't want pity. He doesn't need that.

Let Sam show his dislike quietly. He doesn't need to feel sorry for him.

He is sufficient for himself. He needs to make that clear to him.

"Here, enjoy," Sam says, placing the bowl with a spoon on the table in front of YU and finally licking the lemon juice from his fingers.

YU's motionlessness unnerves him.

He doesn't know how to keep up appearances.

YU is not smiling.

Where is his enchanting semblance? His smiling facade?

Sam allows himself to look closer at YU's face still resting on his knees.

He seems so lifeless.

As if he were floating lifelessly in a soap bubble.

Sam decides to be strong. Pushes his inner insecurity aside and takes the initiative.

"YU, I want to tell you something," Sam's deep voice rings out, "I really regret just leaving on Wednesday. I want to explain to you why I left."

YU's sudden awakening, throws Sam off his game.

He straightens up, picks up the spoon and brings it to his mouth. Blows briefly, letting the warmth flow into him.

"Didn't Professor Österreich contact you? I'm sorry if he hasn't. He was supposed to tell you I wasn't doing so well. You didn't have to come. And it's all okay. You don't have to explain anything to me. I can guess why you left so quickly. And I'm sorry for the circumstances. I guess I got carried away with the alcohol. It might not make sense for us to spend time together in private, either," YU says, smiling.

Sam is frozen.

As much as YU's smile melts his heart, his words and his now shown facade hurt him even more.

And he knows he's going to make that facade crumble now.

"My feelings scared me. My physical reaction to you scared me. I started to panic. And ran away," Sam says deeply. He looks deeply at YU.

YU feels Sam's deep gaze rest on his face as he looks at the lenses nestled together in the soup.

He senses a stirring within himself at Sam's words.

A prick up. A hoping.

A suppression. A mocking.

An anger.

Directed at himself.

He wants to tear himself apart with rage.

Why can't he be worth it.

Why must he be him.

Why can't he give in to his desire.

Why does he have to be him.

He is disgusted with himself.

Feels the poisonous claws trying to dig into his flesh.

And Sam sees the darkness erupt in YU.

He's managed to break YU's facade. And led him into the darkness.

YU still doesn't look at him. But he wants to reach out to him. Show him what he means to him.

Look at me, YU. Look at me.

"YU, I wasn't running away from you. I was running away from me. And I went through the worst pain of my life without you.

Your Recording, YU, your Recording broke the dams in me.

And you were not there to accompany me.

I was overwhelmed by my feelings and you weren't there.

I dreamed about it. I recorded the dream and the analysis for you," Sam reveals in a shaky voice, taking the voice recorder out of his pocket and placing it on YU's windowsill.

"Please forgive me, YU! Please stay by my side. Walk with me. Never let me suffer this supreme loss again.", YU hears him plead and can no longer resist his tears.

He stands up and suppresses his sobs. In a suppressed voice he says:

"Who am I to forgive the Sam Lin. You don't have to apologize. You made the right decision when you left. You can't imagine how right it was. And how wrong it is to be here now. I promise to always stand by you in your research. You don't have to worry about anything."

YU leaves the kitchen.

Sam feels his bewilderment turn to anger.

YU doesn't want to understand him. I guess he needs to be clearer.

"I don't give a shit about research. You hear me, YU? I don't care about the research. It's about you. I mean you. Your importance to me.", Sam shouts angrily, stands up and runs after YU.