The Psychology of Love

Chapter 18 Looking back

Sam realizes that he is dreaming. All the stronger is the need to enjoy this dream that leads him home. And the dream allows him a glimpse of the time when Sam was still carefree. When he was not allowed to leave the house because there were too many dangers in the world, but he enjoyed the closeness to his mother very much.

Their big house and the large garden gave Sam the opportunity to counteract his boredom.

But at that time, his room door was always open. And now he is not allowed to enter his room.

Again, Sam feels an uneasy feeling rising inside him.

A hammering. An inner hammering.

Sam is irritated and perceives the outside world again.

A hammering. A hammering from inside his room.

Someone is pounding on the door. From his room.

Five-year-old Sam freezes in fear. He holds his breath and listens to the knocking that slowly stops hammering.

A knock.

Sam gathers himself again, lets go of the fear and reaches for the door handle.

And is finally able to open the door to his room.

And he opens the door, but it leads him into the cellar of his parents' house.

It is dark. And although he was always afraid of the dark as a child, he feels safe. As if nothing could happen to him. As if he is protected.

He walks around in the small cellar. Old furniture, black garbage bags and his dusty, yellowed toys lie forgotten in the basement.

He looks for the light switch. Wants to indulge in his memories of past play moments.

"What are you doing here, kid?" a voice suddenly sounds behind him.

Sam turns around and sees YU.

The 26 year old YU, always dressed in black, faces him with a friendly smile on his face.

Sam feels himself break inside.

He jumps into YU's arms and cries.

Snot and water flow out of him.

YU hugs little Sam and comforts him. With his cold hands he strokes his face, his hair.

He kisses him on the forehead and manages to calm Sam's quivering body.

"Everything is fine. You don't have to be sad. I'm here, after all. You're not alone," he whispers to him.

"Where have you been? Why do I find you in my cellar again? Please don't go away. Please, YU, stay with me," Sam begs YU.

"I'm right here. Calm down. I live here. You can come visit me anytime," YU explains.

Sam pulls himself out of YU's embrace. He can't do anything about his rising panic.

"Why are you living here? Come upstairs with me. I want to show you my house. Please come with me. You can't stay down here. Let me lead you out of here." begs little Sam, watching YU slowly back away.

"No, I don't belong to that world out there. I don't want to belong. I'm going to stay here. Don't be sad Sam. You will always be my Sam Lin. You can come and visit me. Find someone out there to stand by you. In the darkness, always feel protected by me," YU's voice sounds softer and softer.

5 year old Sam suddenly stands in his nursery with his eyes wide open, staring into the void.

He feels the highest loss, the deepest abyss.

And he wants to run. Run down. Run to the cellar.

But his fleshy little feet are stuck to the floor.

The cry of his despair finally snaps him out of sleep.

Professor Dieckmann startles up from Sam's cry.

"Sam, Sam, it's all right. I'm here. Calm down. You had a nightmare," he tries to reassure Sam.

Sam stares in agony into the void.

His mind goes through every moment of his dream. Stores all the information and metaphors. The presence of YU has vitalized him. He feels a force arising within him.

He must record and analyze this dream. For YU. He needs to make a recording for YU.

Sam looks at the voice recorder in his hands.

"Sam, are you feeling better?" asks Dieckmann.

"Yes, I'm feeling better already. Is there anything new? Has Professor Österreich called? What time is it?" the questions shoot out of Sam.

"It's Friday, 5 a.m. Österreich called just after you fell asleep. He was at YU's apartment. They were having tea. YU wasn't feeling well, so he didn't show up for class. He seems to hatch something. So please don't worry anymore. Today you will see him at your meeting anyway," Dieckmann enlightens Sam.

Sam thoughtfully replies, "I wish you had woken me up as promised. I would have liked to talk to YU."

Without waiting for a response, Sam gets out of his bed and addresses his gratitude to his German father:

"Thank you. Please forgive me for worrying you. I have everything back under control. I am fine. Go home quietly and get some rest. I'm going to prepare for my sessions today."

And after saying goodbye to Professor Dieckmann, Sam makes himself a cup of coffee and walks out onto his terrace with his mug and voice recorder.

He looks out over the park and starts his recording for YU.