because of you ✰ britpop

one

i remember the first time i tried cocaine. i remember feeling like the whole world around me was moving at the speed of light and i was like a single boat in the middle of a vast ocean of people. i fell in love with the sensation immediately. it didn't help that i never had to pay for it, as the other models who i worked with had the magic dust constantly at the tips of their manicured nails, and i was always welcome to a line or two.

after months of this; going to shoots and doing a line, going to shows and doing a line before i walked the runway, and going to red carpets and doing a line in the bathroom, i began to see the effects. i became skinny and pale. the agency heavily encouraged this change in appearance, and that only fueled my addiction. they drilled it into my mind that i looked beautiful in my most emaciated form, egging me on with statements such as:

you look so thin since i last saw you!

you look so good since you lost all that weight!

it soon became my signature look-- the look that got me my first cover of vogue, the look that spread across the modeling world of the 90s like wildfire. it was what put money in my bank account, and so, i kept it up. and nobody batted an eyelash.

no one cared.

damon albarn was the first man i ever fell in love with. i suppose it was always a case of right person, wrong time when it came to me in that decade. it was 1992 when we met.

"lyla, your eyeliner got all smeared!" kate was red from laughing at this point. i looked up from the granite sink we were doing lines off of into the mirror. i burst out laughing as i saw the black that had smeared down my cheeks from the tears that had formed slightly in my eyes.

"shit," i rubbed at my eyes to match their smeared state with each other. kate and i cackled as i did so. i pulled my hair out of its messy bun and ran my fingers through it.

"cmon, babe, we can't miss the party." kate spoke through laughter as she took my arm, leading me back into the living room where her party was taking place.

everyone you could ever think of was at this party; rock stars, celebrity drug dealers, casting agents, models, and starving artists. kate was the up-and-coming queen of the 90s modeling scene, and with her and i practically joined at the hip, the spotlight soon fell on me as well. the party was dimly lit and loud, and the sweaty bodies of people on every drug under the sun were spinning, dancing, and making out in every corner you looked.

i pulled out my metal cigarette case that had been a gift from kate. it held my marlboros and was always tucked into a jean pocket or in my purse. i placed the cigarette loosely between my lips and flicked at the white lighter i held in my other hand. kate was momentarily gone from my side before she came back with a tall, slender man.

the first thing i noticed about damon was his eyes. ice-cold blue that examined every minute detail of every scene, like a true artist, i suppose. kate grinned as she neared me.

"lyla, this is damon, damon, lyla." she spoke, darting her dilated eyes between each of us. damon smiled and placed a tender kiss on my cheek.

"it's lovely to meet you, lyla." he spoke softly. he had a soft voice and an introverted disposition that was effortlessly charismatic. i was enthralled with him immediately.

"you too..." i spoke in a half-whisper. i coughed a bit to play it off. i took a drag from my cigarette and offered him and kate one, to which they accepted. kate had a lighter of her own, and i lit damon's cigarette. i looked up at his eyes once more to find them fixed on me in a way that made my heart beat much faster than any drug could.

"damon's in a band!" kate spoke excitedly, winking at me slyly. i smiled slightly at her schoolgirl-like matchmaking antics. i raised an eyebrow, averting my eyes from kate and back to damon.

"you guys any good?" i asked him, taking another drag of my cigarette. he smiled, seeming happy to talk about the topic of his band. he was always so passionate about music, and he pieced together each song like a quilt for each album. it was all about making art, for him, and i'll forever admire that about him.

"well, we came out with an album last year called leisure, and it did pretty well for our first," he spoke merrily. the name of the album sounded familiar, so i pressed for more information.

"what did you say the name of your band was?" i asked him. he took a long drag before speaking, smoke dancing its way out of his lips as he spoke.

"blur." that's when it clicked. i had heard their songs a couple of times on the radio. i nodded with a smile on my face.

"yeah, i've heard some of your guy's stuff. i like it." i spoke sincerely and with a genuine smile. it felt so good to smile. i leaned against the wall as damon and i continued to converse and eventually exchange numbers. he scrawled his number on a scrap receipt i found in my purse before looking up at me with a smile.

"the lads and i from the band are gonna head down to the pub after the party, you wanna come?" he asked with a smirk. i put out my cigarette and tilted my head to the left with a smile.

"i'd like that," i spoke. i hadn't smiled so much in a night since i was a schoolgirl. i suppose in my profession, we don't do much smiling, and i think that got to me slightly. i didn't even have to pretend to be happy anymore when all the gigs i got encouraged my frowny-pout. the sensation of smiling was never one i thought i could take for granted

"i just have to sort out my eye makeup before stepping into somewhere with good lighting." i laughed, pointing to the streaks of black that were smudged around the outer corners of my eyes and my waterline.

"don't. i think it looks badass."

soon after this one comment, you would see me go out more often with smudged black eyeshadow, and i have one man to thank for sparking my confidence in that look.