Permanent [H.S. || A.U.] - Book 2 - ON HOLD

Chapter 16

Cooking with Grayson feels so domestic. And, fighting against my lack of self confidence and self destructive tendencies, I let myself imagine being domestic with her in a house of our own one day; one with a big yard a dog could run around in. While I watched her strain the pasta noodles, I thought about her doing so with a swollen belly, how beautiful she would look carrying our child. I thought about how before bed I would massage her equally swollen feet.

I tried to not let the loud voice in my head that ruins everything get to me. All it was telling me is that Grayson might not want that with me.

In the spirit of bettering myself, I actively fought not to listen to that voice.

It was hard, but I won that battle. The fantasy in my head of a future with Grayson was too good in those few minutes to let myself ruin it.

We talked about work and our upcoming thanksgiving plans over dinner. I think Grayson could tell that I was trying to stall the impending conversation about my appointment. She didn't mention it, though. I love how well she can read me and how considerate she is of me. She never pushes, only encourages.

After dinner, Grayson took a shower while I did the dishes.

Now we are cuddling on my couch as we watch Snoop Dogg videos on YouTube.

She is laying down, slotted between my legs, with her head on my chest. She's only wearing one of my t-shirts and a pair of my boxers. I love how she has plenty of clothes of her own here that she could have put on after her shower, but she chose to wear some of mine. Her small body is so adorable when it's swimming in my clothes.

I mindlessly play with her hair as we watch the videos together. She seems very relaxed. I, on the other hand, am trying to work up the courage to discuss with her the Lindsey stuff like I planned. "Hey, Gray?" My voice comes out weak and I hate that Lindsey still holds this power over me.

"Yeah, babe?" She hums and tightens her arms that are wrapped around my waist.

"So, uhm, I had that appointment today."

"How did it go?" She asks casually and keeps her tone calm. I know it's her way of trying to keep my anxiety levels low and I appreciate that. But I also wish that she didn't have to do that.

"It went well. I filled a script for a low dose of citalopram which should help with my general anxiety disorder and a little bit with my depression levels. I also made an appointment with a therapist."

Grayson turns her head from laying her cheek on my chest and looking at the video to crane her neck back to look at me. "I'm really fucking proud of you, you know that right?"

There's something about hearing someone genuinely tell you that they're proud of you that hits so deep inside your soul, makes you feel so loved and appreciated. You don't realize how badly you long for someone to tell you that until someone does.

"I love the fuck out of you, Gray. You know that right?"

She sits up and straddles my waist, putting both of her hands on each side of my head on the pillow that I'm using, hovering above me. Her hair falls down and curtains our faces. "I love the fuck out of you, Harry. You know that right?" She says before leaning down to give me a lingering kiss, one that settles all of my nerves and makes me melt into the couch.

I hum into the kiss, making it known how content I am when her lips are on mine.

"I wanna tell you more about the appointment." I tell her when she pulls back and hovers over me again. "I'm nervous. But I want to try talking about my, uh, feelings about things."