Crimson and Clover

No Paths Are Bound - Part 1

What if he says 'no'? Will it never end, then, this all-encompassing feeling of comfort? For a moment he considers it, but knows the world waits for no one. Least of all him.

"Yes," he says but doesn't let go of his hold on San Lang. It's such a wonderful, new thing to have, and he covets every aspect of it.

"How are you feeling?"

He sighs, and feels San Lang shiver. "Good," he murmurs. His brushes his lips against San Lang's throat, feather-light, and is rewarded with another shiver. It's much more noticeable this time. Satisfaction settles in his stomach and makes him giddy. "You're here, so I'm good."

"Gege..."

That tone; he recognises it. It doesn't matter that it speaks of exasperation. The fact that he knows for sure what his husband's emotions are, that he can tell the nuances hidden in his voice, brings him incandescent joy. There's so much he doesn't know about San Lang yet, so many things to learn and so many quirks to notice. He welcomes it all, the prospect of understanding him and the years he'll devote to that.

Perhaps he shouldn't be so happy with San Lang being cross with him, but being aware of it currently overshadows all.

And then, all of a sudden, he's being flipped onto his back. San Lang settles above him, supporting himself on both hands, and Xie Lian's instinctual breath hitches in his throat.

"Gege," San Lang says, watching him intently. He hasn't switched into his true form yet, and Xie Lian is staring into two eyes he loves so much even though he knows only of them is functional. "Please grant this husband honesty."

After a millennium of doing so, it's second nature to Xie Lian to brush everything off as unimportant. Pain doesn't matter when there's no one to relieve him from it. Suffering is irrelevant when cycles of it blend one into another. And then there are memories gone and years missing, and events blurred by both time and death.

Slipping into old patterns is so easy. It takes conscious effort to climb out of them, but Xie Lian knows he has to do it. For himself and for them both.

"I'm fine," he says, slower this time. "I truly am. Tired, yes, and slightly aching all over, but it's... distant. The kind of tiredness you might feel the day after an entire day of training. It's negligible. It'll pass before nightfall. San Lang." He reaches out and cups his husband's cheek. His heart swells when San Lang leans into the touch. "You really do make it better."

San Lang only sighs, closing his eyes for a moment. Then he shifts into his real body, the one that's slightly older and lacks an eye. He takes the eyepatch off and slumps onto Xie Lian like a dead weight, and Xie Lian welcomes him with open arms.

"I was so worried," he murmurs into Xie Lian's chest. "And terrified. When I saw..."

Xie Lian knows. And so he wraps his arms tight around his husband's tense body and wishes he could chase the anger and terror away. But he can't—not before this entire mess is untangled and dealt with, regardless of how much pain it's going to cause.

"Do you think it's him?" he asks without really expecting an answer. "At the end, I... I didn't see much, but I heard, and I heard his laugh. It was him, San Lang. I wouldn't have mistaken that for anyone else."

"I know," San Lang says. He's holding onto Xie Lian just as tightly as Xie Lian is holding onto him. "I heard that too."

"But it doesn't make sense!"

San Lang raises his head to look at him. Strands of unevenly cut hair hide the right side of his face, but his one eye is burning. "Doesn't it? He's always known your weaknesses. Obviously, Jun Wu knew them too."