Crimson and Clover

The Ghost Holds a Wedding - Part 3

Xie Lian wakes up with San Lang curled up against him.

For someone taller than him, he fits perfectly in the cradle of Xie Lian's arms. He's nothing but bones and lean muscles, and hair so soft that Xie Lian wants to run his hands through it over and over. He buries his face in it instead and inhales deeply, and at that precise moment he realises—

Here at Paradise Manor and in San Lang's company, he feels at home. He feels whole in spite of the shadow of emptiness in his heart.

"Gege?" San Lang murmurs and turns in his arms. Even though muddled with sleep, his eye is bright. Xie Lian wonders what he'd look like without the eyepatch.

Maybe one day he'll be privy to that as well.

"Good morning, San Lang," he says and smiles softly. A flush blooms on San Lang's cheeks; he makes a choked up noise and buries his face in Xie Lian's chest. "San Lang."

"Gege." It comes out muffled, nearly unintelligible. Xie Lian resists an urge to tilt his head up so that he can see that twinkling eye again. "Gege, is this..."

"Is this all right?" He finishes in San Lang's stead and feels him nod against his chest. "Didn't you ask that last evening, before you came to my bed?"

San Lang whines and holds on to him tighter. Xie Lian's face heats up immediately, realising the implication of his words. Empty it is and bears no significance, but hope springs to life in his heart regardless. He's never really given much thought to the matters of love and desire. Now they've come to him on their own and left him overwhelmed, burning away. He wants to touch and be touched, he wants San Lang to feel just as delighted in his presence as he does in San Lang's.

Does San Lang's regard go beyond worship and devotion? Xie Lian doesn't really know how to ask—isn't sure he can take the answer if it's different from what he's hoping for.

"After yesterday," San Lang says, his breath a whisper on Xie Lian's skin. Xie Lian shivers and fails to conceal it – and San Lang's grip tightens even more. "After yesterday I'll be asking every time. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

Something breaks and rearranges itself in Xie Lian's heart. It makes him pull San Lang even closer to him – and San Lang must be happy about that, considering how he snuggles against Xie Lian and makes a contented sound that rumbles in his chest.

"It was..." Xie Lian gives it a moment of thought because San Lang deserves honesty and clarity. "I was surprised. You didn't mention anything about all those things being a gift and I thought... No one's ever..."

San Lang's fingers twitch where they're curled around a fistful of Xie Lian's sleeping tunic. "Gege, you don't have to say anything if you don't want to."

"But I do!" He rests his cheek against San Lang's head, feeling the softness of his hair. "I do. I just... Words are difficult. I've never had to..."

San Lang lets go of him and props himself on his arm. His hair spills all around them. "Take your time, gege. There's no rush."

For a moment, Xie Lian does nothing except reaching out and twisting a strand of San Lang's hair around his finger. He's tempted to touch that thin braid and the bead at the end of it, but eventually decides against it. If this goes well, he'll have plenty of time for that.

"I... don't remember the last time I've got a gift that wasn't food or a free place to sleep. And it's fine because that's what I needed. Finery is useless to the beggars and the homeless." He looks up and meets San Lang's eye. He holds it steady despite the need to hide from it, to bury himself beneath the duvet and never crawl back out. "That's what I was. That's what I've been doing since we... parted. So when I saw it all, lying there..."