COV3N

•ATHAZAGORAPHOBIA•

I have no idea how it could've slipped my mind, just- how did I forget ?

"River, come over here!" Rose's cheery voice echoed to me.

For the least, I remember that.

Rose, my best friend, carried brown curls that reached just past her shoulders, half of it tied up into a high ponytail, allowing those purple glasses that I was so close to forgetting about to frame the intriguing and enticing features which made up her face. The way the moon, and the stars and the neon lights reflected over her green-meshed-grey eyes, still reminds me that everyone felt happiness before they entered their dark age. The age of learning. And that the only way any adolescent survives their dark age, is by saving that memory, and locking it away deep down beneath all the bullshit life was about to throw at them, and store them for a darker time. I wish my mother was alive to give me that warning before my dark coming of age came to be...

"Soo... I'm getting marshmallow flavoured popped corn for our little break from the rides do you want some ?" she asked as she munched on the corndog she held in her hand.

Red, pink, blue and green striped spaghetti vest with a high waisted ripped boyfriend jeans, a red hair tie, and gold and white converse sneakers that matched mine, with a purple zipped open hoodie and our yin and yang necklaces. I had the yang, because she is my yang so I wore her around my neck for balance, and she had the yin, because well... I'm full of shit so I just had to be the yin to balance her out. She also stole my new black belt for the night. That's what she was wearing, to the T.
I remember that.

"We're definitely getting your ass on that ferris wheel since you're too pussy to try the slingshot~" I bullied her as I gleamed up at the massive visually invasive, beautiful moon-eclipsing ferris wheel.

Ohhh~ the way it encircled the moon on that cursed night.

Acrophobia. The fear of heights.
That was her. That, thalassophobia, fear of the ocean, claustrophobia, fear of drowning, confined spaces, and/or suffocation and coulrophobia, which is the fear of clowns. I remember that.

Till this day, I could never understand why anyone would fear something as foolish and irritating as clowns. Class clown, circus clown, IT and any other idiot with a clown mask who tried to scare people. I used to think that fear was stupid. I used to think a lot of things before...

I remember that.

Fear, which most adolescents major in 5 of each that may be completely unrelated to one another or not, for example, is something they quickly tried to cast out of everyone who entered the sacred House of Hãna. Most of the kids end up dying of the typical diagnosis many natural deaths began to occur in adolescents from this amazing new dawn in which we live: cardiac arrest. Even those who never knew of fear or never knew their fears, would suffer the lack of oxygenated blood carrying out its duties as they suffocate till their heart simply decides to just... give in. Or for the lack of better words as Yara, last daughter of the Hãna bloodline, would say, "the weak choose death, while the strong continue to survive it, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second." I remember that.

The mother supreme says that those who never knew their fears, were luckier in a way that their death was delivered with more stealth, even if their souls were doomed for eternity and were given to Hãna in the afterlife to be devoured and enslaved to live out their fear in eternal afterlife. At least they get to die for their holy Goddess, and meet her before any of us do.

Those of us who were unfortunate enough to choose surviving death were either strong enough mentally, emotionally and internally (yes, it has to be all three) would stay and continue to learn and train as a Soldier of Hãna. Those who chose neither death or to survive it, ended up in the mental institution Home of Maniae, acres across the 3 golden Billy hills forged by the truce made between Lyssa and Hãna, when the human world began to develop furthermore so. As long as Hãna has trials for her soldiers, Lyssa will have new children to care for in her Home of Maniae, and as long as the harmony remains undisturbed, peace shall prosper. Somehow, I remember that too.

"you didn't answer my question." Rose watched me, waiting for a reply.

"we can share." I waited outside of the line, watching as people went by, enjoying their night.

Before I ended up on the doorstep of the House of Hãna, I thought fear was worthless. All fear.

And of course as the average teenager, I had 4 major fears.

- Arachnophobia. The fear of spiders. I remember how I used to go "insectophobia, that's my true fear." because it includes fearing every insect in the insect kingdom, which were feelings I related to, but yesterday, I went to the library to read a book about the philosophy of the mind to look up what the fear of insects actually is, and to my surprise, insectophobia is an actual thing. Many people would repeat after society and say that fearing insects are rather childish, but believe me when I tell you, all the different things you fear will always be equivalent, for fear, is fear, and you have to face it up front. As close and as personal as you can possibly be. Though overcoming a physical fear, or a fear of something outside of your being, does seem a lot easier than facing the demons that roam the hallways of your mind. And to be honest and quite fair, overcoming insectophobia took up much less time than trying to overcome the rest of my fears even if I felt defeated and ended up crying every single day they tried to pump the fear from my veins as though trying to sober up a heroin addict.

- Scopophobia. The fear of being stared at. For me, it was mostly because: imposter syndrome. I hardly ever lie. To tell the truth, I can't remember the last time I told an actual lie and meant it. Not to other people at least. I lied to myself every single day. I felt disassociation every day. Looking at a reflective surface always done it's duty by reminding me that inside of everyone, there is an imposter, no matter how pure hearted anyone portraits themselves to appear to public eyes. Most days I'd be afraid that the imposter inside me would either by seen by others, or would eventually become sick of walking on eggshells around people, and would force itself outside of me, to show the world the terrible act that I had put on. The terrible act that it made me put on. I lied awake every night imagining every scenario of when, and how, and where; with whom it would show itself, but this monster that was I, never came out to existence out of fear. Maybe it feared what the world would think of it. The world could only reject a liar. Reject it by calling it out for being so cruel, or reject it by denying it's existence. That's what you get for being a monster. Lately I've been realising the similarities between human and monster.

- Thanatophobia, despite being obsessed with death and more specifically, my own death, the fear of losing someone you love in any way, usually to death was one of the biggest fears I ever tried to conquer. To be honest, it's the only fear that I still lose sleep to. Like losing Rose, and Icarus, and every other person that I got attached to.

Like losing Hecades.

Funny how I went from fearing about almost every trivial thing in my life, to fearing just one. My fourth major, and biggest fear of all: h.e.r.

...her...

But you'll come to learn of her rather sooner than later, thinking about her just makes things worse. Not to mention, I failed admission trials because I was too weak to conquer her.

I remember every little detail of so many things yet, I truly remember nothing at all.

And I want to remember... I need to remember...