ethan becomes based

ethan meets the four lords (NOT CLICKBAIT)

"stupid freaking LOCAL wouldn't even know what to do to begin with. anyway, don't be a sore loser and accept that you got got. i, being the chad i am, was bound to win anyway," 'heisenberg' said. ethan was starting to learn their names.

"guys what's going on," ethan said meekly. he didn't bother trying to be rude because these people looked big and intimidating. any wrong word and they could very easily snap him like a twig. nobody replied to him directly since they were too busy fighting and arguing.

"alcina enough, i already chose heisenberg to mess with him a bit. you can see him later if he escapes from whatever the hell karl's got lined up," 'miranda' said blankly. she seemed just... fed up. ethan understood; if he had to deal with people arguing like this all the time, he'd be acting the same way. hold up, Why on earth was he sympathizing with this random woman who probably had nothing but malintentions towards him...?

heisenberg approached him with a type of cool swagger. ethan was not impressed but felt nervous again. this was definitely not going to be good.

"okay little man, i'm going to see if we can yassify you by putting you through my own special show," heisenberg said.

"okay wait, what the fuck is yassification," ethan asked. these new slang terms were too much for him to keep up with.

"it's... well..." heisenberg started. he thought for a moment on what to say. "okay so you're a normie right. like you don't watch those memes that you think look 'weird' and you don't listen to anything that's not either dad music or top of the charts shit unless someone else makes you listen to it."

ethan became a bit self-conscious. "is that a problem? i just don't know what's funny about those other memes or whatever. and for the record, ed sheeran isn't that bad," he said with a huff.

heisenberg didn't even know what to say. ed sheeran? nahhh... this was going to be hard. he didn't even bother to finish defining what 'yassification' was.

"right... i'm going to ignore that and just make you run around til you're either dead or sore or something. if you don't get crunched up then the real fun begins, hehehe~" heisenberg said.

he (practically) shoo'd ethan away and made him hop into a cryptic hole in the ground. the only freaking lights were the horrible lanterns hung up on the walls. he had no clue what was going on but he just ran around like a chicken with no head trying to avoid the lycans and other scary things he couldn't identify. if this was those guys' idea of fun, he hated it; he so greatly preferred watching tiktoks and hgtv home renovation shows than doing whatever This was. but really, was now the time to reminisce about TV? he avoided the monsters until this big ugly one appeared before him. this guy swung around some big tool until ethan fell into a Conveniently Placed Hole and slid down for a while. he popped out and was lying on the ground... man.

eventually he managed to just make all the madness Stop and, despite being in a near death situation for the billionth time, grabbed some pocket change he saw in the rubble. after exiting through the stupid gate he was kidnapped from in the first place, he was finally free. he wandered around for a bit and encountered something absolutely tantalizing — a carriage.

"where the hell did a carriage come in from," he said softly.

the doors swung open and a jolly fellow appeared. "oh, greetings Mr. Winters," he said.

"hi... who are you," ethan asked. although he was a bit mysterious, this guy seemed chill. wait, maybe this man was too chill?

"just call me the duke. look, i'll be honest, i already know your lore. you're just trying to find your daughter and like, go back to your normal life, right? i admire that so i'm going to help you out. bewarned though, the people you were just 'interacting' with are going to make your life weird... maybe even 'dank'," the duke said. he paused and looked at ethan with a grin.

"I think that really says a lot about our society... and yet, we participate in the madness of it all, don't we? well anyway, if you need anything like food, materials, guns, whatever, i'm your guy. just hit me up," the duke continued.

ethan nodded and felt content for a moment. he now had at least one friend in this horrible twisted world... after trading in oddities he discovered and purchasing some more Useful things, ethan turned and headed into the foreboding castle that loomed over him and the duke. he did not have a good feeling about this at all.

"damn, this place has some good decorations. i really like the vibes," ethan said out loud. he suddenly had an idea that hit him like a bag of bricks. he ran out of the castle and went to the duke again.

"oh, mr. winters, you're already back...? i figured it'd take a bit, what's wrong?" the duke asked.

ethan had Ran back so he was a bit out of breath. "do you... have like, a mobile charger. like one of those portable charging blocks or...?"

the duke hummed in thought and started rifling through his goods. "yes, here you go. if you have an instagram, you can give me a shoutout and i'll give it to you for free. by the way, i'll even let you connect to my hotspot."

ethan stared at him incredulously and turned his head to the side like some kind of dog. "what do you mean, 'your hotspot'?"

"huh? mr. winters, please. it's 2021, do you really think we're that cut off from the rest of the world? oh, i do apologize for being curt, but... we have phones, internet, wi-fi, all that stuff. it's just that we aren't as, well, dependent on that kind of thing as you americans seem to be," the duke explained.

so thus began ethan and the duke's instagram partnership. ethan started charging up his phone and walked back into the castle, feeling a lot better. he walked around until he sensed something malicious, maybe even a bit sneaky.