Dumb Decisions (Resse AU)

Part 26

"And did you SEE Cherry's face??? He knew he could never compete with me! I love politics."

I smile at his cute face, but immediately feel guilty. I don't deserve to be around him. Not after what I've done.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I don't know, you seem kind of... off."

"I think I'm just tired."

I try to fake a smile, to make it seem like everything's okay. But on the inside I wanna throw up. I'm sitting in his house, eating food that he made because he was excited to cook for me once, and I don't deserve it. I don't deserve his seemingly endless love. I don't deserve his enthusiasm. If I ever deserved it I don't deserve it anymore.

"Well, you have been doing a lot. I still have some energy, so if you don't mind I'll work some more and I'll join you later, okay?"

This would've been so much easier if he wasn't so lovable.

"Sure."

"Oh, and I'm going for a run at 5 or something, but I don't think you want to join."

"Why on God's forsaken earth would you go on a run at 5 AM?"

"You ask me that every time I tell you that. But I need to lose some of the calories I got from your amazing food."

A sweet kiss on my face that makes my heart sway. How much I wish I could enjoy it to the fullest. How much I wish I could undo what I did last night. How much I wish there wasn't a single doubt in my mind about my love for him.

I stare up at the ceiling of his bedroom. He told me he missed his old apartment, the one he used when Sjoerd was away. The one he sold to be close to Sjoerd again, but what only drove them apart further. He told me this bedroom didn't feel like home, unless I was in it as well.

Do you know how unbearably sweet that was to hear? Do you know how much I wish me and him could live together?

But I fucked it up. Before we could've still lived in the same house. Sure there would be rumors, but nobody could confirm or deny it. But now Jolein expected me to return to my old life. I expected to return to my old life.

But Rob didn't. He expected me to stay here, in a relationship so full of love, but never enough to be satisfactory. He expected me to be there for him, like he had been when she broke my heart. And now I'm thinking about trading the literal angel for somebody who left me?

But how many times had she been there for me? How many times had she comforted me when I felt down? Too many times. She had been the love of my life for so long, how could I trade that away for loving in secret?

"Jesse? Are you still awake?"

"Mmm"

I feel his warmth radiate against my body as he snuggles up to me. His hair tickles on my chest and I feel him smiling.

"I told you to go to sleep."

"I couldn't sleep without you."

His giggle tickles me. He thinks it's cute and flirty, but when he's not here my mind is confused and making it impossible to sleep.

"Well, I'm here now."

Guilt crashes over me as I remember how I said those words to her just a few hours ago.

"And I don't want you to lose sleep over me."

"Well I can't help that."

"There are so many other things to worry about. We have a country to lead, remember."

He buries his head even closer in my chest.

"Breaks almost here though."

"Yeah, about that. Do you want to go to Italy? We could taste some real ragu."

Oh no. He wanted to go to Italy, with me. Oh no. Oh fuck. Guilt and panic rush through my body. How much I wished I could say yes.

"Don't you think that will be very suspicious? With the whole you know, keeping the relationship a secret?"

I know he can hear my heart beat faster, his ear is literally on my heart. He told me it was his favorite place to lie because he wanted to hear our hearts start to synchronize.

"I don't want to hide anymore."

It was so soft that I thought I dreamed it.

"What?"

"I don't want to hide my love for you anymore. I spent too long hiding who I loved already."

"Oh..."

"So you don't?"

"Well..."

"No I get it, it's fine. We'll wait until your ready."

"No but-"

"Jesse, please. I don't want to hear it. Let's just... sleep."

"If you could-"

"Jesse, no."

He doesn't go back to his usual spot on my chest, but moves to his own pillow.

The remains of my heart shatter inside of my chest.