Wickedly Twisted

Begin Again

**If you had to die Ronan, and I have to live on this earth without you… you can be damn sure, I am going to make something amazing come out of it.

Maya Thompson closed her eyes after reading a line from the ‘ROCKSTAR RONAN’ blog she dedicated to her beloved son. She stared at the setting sun, its rays reaching the inside of Ro’s old room. And as if on cue, when she held unto those plastic dinosaurs and race cars her little Ronan used to play with when he was still alive, tears began falling from her eyes.

It was exactly nine years since Ronan died of neuroblastoma—the most common form of cancer in infancy. But still, the pain was there. It was that kind of pain that had always been a part of her life. That even if the scar finally faded, everyday felt just like she had a fresh wound. The kind of pain that was embarked in her soul, the kind of pain she would always suffer even if it had been almost a decade since her spicy monkey boy left.

For nine years, she struggled to keep her promise. She lived because she was alive. For nine years, she was hurting but she didn’t show it because she was a mother who needed to be strong for her kids, a wife who needed to be there for her husband and a head of a foundation that raises money and awareness for childhood cancer causes.

Everyone was expecting her to be the woman she tried to show. But deep inside, she was breaking. Because no matter how many smile she put on people’s faces by giving them hope that their kids would still live, the fact still remained. Ronan died…and she would never get to see him again.

“I made something amazing came out from your death, right, honey?” her voice trembled as she whispered those words while looking at Ronan’s picture. And there, she silently cried—wary enough because she didn’t want to let any of her family know that she had never moved on. But her sobs betrayed her when she remembered how Ronan used to be.

Ronan was the most beautiful kid she had ever seen. He used to be their angel. When he came, everything seemed so perfect. He brought happiness to their humble home. His warm laugh was a beautiful melody on Maya’s ears. He was her light, he was her sunshine.

A smile became apparent on her face when she remembered how she’d pretend asleep in the morning so that little Ro would run to her bed and greet her with a kiss and his usual, “Good morning, Mom!”

How she wished she could go back to those mornings. But she couldn’t and that’s what hurt the most. Being able to relive beautiful memories but could never go back to experience it. So many things have changed now. Her once colorful and perfect world became a hollow place. Her once beautiful life became dull and pointless. Her hopes and dreams were shattered with Ronan’s death.

She could still remember what exactly happened nine years ago. It just felt so fresh, the pain was still there. Fresh surge of tears began pouring as she relived the darkest moment of her life.

It was time. She knew too well, she was losing her spicy monkey boy. She looked at him with terror. She couldn’t let go nor could she ever accept it. But she also knew that her baby had enough. He fought cancer for too long and she could see it in his eyes that he was tired.

How could a mother say goodbye to her precious child? It was the most heartbreaking, letting go of something that you couldn’t and wouldn’t want to let go. Her hands were unsteady as she hold unto Ronan’s hand and tears welled from her eyes. 

“Come on baby with me, we’re gonna fly away from here. Baby, it’s time to go” she whispered unto his ears as her heart broke into very fine pieces. And slowly, Ronan’s nimble hand lost its grip on hers. Funny how in just one simple gesture, she lost her reason to keep fighting. That was how she lost her life.

 

After he passed away, she sat and kissed her little cold lips about a dozen times. If she could just go back to that time, she would. She’d sit in that room and kiss those little lips forever.

Because of neuroblastoma, she lost her everything. Everyday felt like her death day and even if her family were still there, she just couldn’t help but grieve. If she could just die today to finally see Ronan, she would.

She was about to head back to where her family awaits her when suddenly, a burning pain started growing on her chest, making it difficult for her to breath. And slowly, everything around her started moving round and round until she couldn’t do anything but close her eyes and let the pain swallow her.

But she didn’t sleep. For she could still hear her husband’s hurried footsteps while shouting her name. She could hear her kids whimper. She could feel the Woody’s strong arms when he rushed her to the car.

“Hon, stay. Don’t leave me, don’t leave us,” she heard him say.

She wanted to open her eyes to assure him that it was going to be fine but her eyelids felt so heavy, that all she could do was to listen and feel the pain in her chest.

The next thing she knew, she was already lying on a hospital bed. She could feel the things being attached to her. She could even hear people murmuring, one was giving orders to check her vital signs.

They were all doing everything to keep her alive. But fate must be playing pranks on her because another pain shot through her chest. And this time, it was so unbearable she could almost feel closer to death. A ringing sound filled her ears, making her unable to hear the people around her. Bit by bit, she lost grasp to the reality. Little by little, she felt herself drifting away.

When she opened her eyes, she was standing in front of Ronan’s closet. She tried to find the pain in her chest but couldn’t feel any. She was perfectly fine and maybe, it was all just a dream. That she hadn’t feel any chest pain. She was about to check Ronan’s clothes when she heard something that made her paralyzed.

“Good morning, Mom!”

Was it real? It had been nine lonely years but she would never ever forget Ronan’s voice. She slowly turned to face her little boy and almost lost her heartbeat when she saw his beautiful blue eyes staring back at her. Gone was the kid who lost his hair through cancer. Gone was his pale skin and parched lips. He was standing healthy, like the way he used to be.

“R-Ronan?” She instantly ran towards him, knelt to level with him and enveloped her little boy into a warm hug. She closed her eyes. She had longed to hug Ronan this way. And now that she was finally doing it, she wanted to savor the moment with her eyes closed.

 “You can’t stay here. Wake up, Mommy. Everyone’s waiting for you,” Ronan said as he touched Maya’s face. But she didn’t want it. She shook her head furiously as she looked unto her baby’s eyes.

“No. Baby, I want to be with you. I want to stay here with you. Mommy can’t live without you anymore,” she replied as she tried to reach for Ronan’s hand. Her little boy only smiled at her and kissed her forehead.

“Someday, we’ll see each other again. But for now, wake up and live for Daddy and my brothers. I’ll be waiting for you. I love you, Mommy…” Her heart ached after hearing her son’s words. At a young age, he seemed so wise unlike her who chose to live like dying even if she had a choice to live and move on.

“I love you too, baby. I love you to the moon and back…” she answered back despite the fact that all she wanted was to look at him and stay there forever.

But she knew that it was only a borrowed moment. Ronan disappeared. And all she could do was to cry in despair as she bid goodbye to the possibility of seeing him again.

 

When she opened her eyes, she was back in the hospital. Woody was holding her hand as tears fell from his eyes.

“God, I thought, I was gonna lose you,” he cried and kissed her hand.

Tears blurred her vision and her sobs emanated in the hospital room. But this time, she was crying not because she missed him. She was crying because for the first time in her life after grieving for a lost child, she could finally begin again.

**Maya Thompson, ROCKSTAR RONAN, September 9, 2012 blog post