who else to blame?

prologue

pete wentz (noonewhomatters) wrote,
2007-01-18 01:02:00

for my dearest, who i can never really love,

I've been going back and forth on writing this. I've rewritten this about 5 different times these past few days. But I really can't take it anymore, it's driving me crazy. It burns my skin and I feel this tremendous amount of guilt thinking of your potential exasperation and terror.

You're my band-mate, my other half. Patrick, I really cannot lie anymore. I feel like im suffocating, obviously it's nothing too new but I still hate the idea of you never wanting to talk to me again. This might just do us to the end, huh?

So, heres to all the moments we've had while I can still think about them fondly. The nights we've gotten drunk, to the nights ive cried in your arms and the nights we've fought. I wouldn't trade it for the world, really.

I wouldn't trade to do any of those things with any other person in this entire world, ever. I'm going to be truly honest, gravely honest, as I'm not expecting this to go well. I'm expecting you to do the thing you do when you freak and just shut down, im so fucking sorry. Everyones going to hate me over this, I can sense it. You are far too good for me.

I love you, I really do. I didn't realize it up until now, and I freaked whenever I thought about it. I would start to shake, and I wouldn't be able to breathe properly. Writing this out is a task for me, my hands are trembling and I have to erase so many mistakes ( I guess this whole declaration letter counts as a mistake, huh? ) I truly hope you can fathom to understand that I didn't tell you face to face. Its so fucking shitty, but what else to expect? Who else to blame for your problems? Its always me. Just know that Im not expecting to get over the way I love you like I do. It's gone on far too long for this to be a crush, a little obsession, fuck, I thought I was straight!

So Patrick, if you're reading this (which im sure you'll have to be in the next 12 hours after posting this, at least). I love you and im so sorry for the whole of it. Youre the best thing to come into my life thus far.
love you
xxoo

Patrick widened his eyes in shock and three tiny words looped in his thought-filled mind.
what. the. fuck.