Brand New Eyes

I Settled Down A Twisted Up Frown

"Hayley, we've had issues and you can't resolve any issue if we haven't even confronted them or tried to talk about it. And since you're talking about this, would've made you understand a bit more if we talked about this before. But, in my opinion, Hayley," he said, looking at me with the most genuine look I've ever seen. "I don't think that you didn't see it coming. You're just in denial about our issues and you never wanted to confront them."

"Well, Josh, how am I supposed to confront something I didn't know we had an issue over?"

"That, right here, is proof that you're in denial."

"Josh, how?"

"Because I never stated any of the issues. You know exactly what our issues are about, but you're just not putting a name on any other them."

I just sighed. I didn't want to believe that our issues were visible through both eyes. I just wanted it to be a one-way feeling, so that I didn't have to face it because I'm not so keen at voicing my vivid opinion on the matters of this issue about our issues. But, in all honesty, we did have a couple issues. After Josh and I broke up, I started dating Chad and I started dating. We had to cancel majority of the UK RIOT! tour because we were in such a bad place in the band that we needed to go home and get some time off from being around so much.

"Well, Josh, what do you want me to do?"

"I want to talk about every issue that's in the back of both of our minds."

"Well, there aren't that many issues, in my opinion. And for us to just voice every issue that we have, we would just end up disagreeing. Mainly, because of the fact that if you say one thing that was happened was because of another reason, I might disagree and say that there's a whole other reason for that."

"Well, Hayley, that's the reason that we talk over stuff. You're not meant to hold everything in. We're not going to agree on everything and that's what makes us human."

"Well, you go first."

He took a deep breath and said, "I really think that we don' get along as much as we used to. We didn't disconnect because we still argue and if we don't argue, we don't care about each other. But, our arguments aren't friendly; they're harsh. I just think that Chad has changed you."

"Josh, that's not true. I didn't change when I got with you."

"Exactly. This the reason I can see how he's a bad influence in your life."

"Josh, he's my boyfriend. He's gonna be an influence on me, just like I'm gonna be an influence on him".

"If you were an influence on him, he would've been a better person by now. It's been about a year sinve we've broken up. A year since you guys started."

"He's a good person in general. Chad doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink. He's a good christian."

"He cheated on his wife, divorced her, and got with you."

"That's over now. He's with me and I'm with him."

"What makes you think he won't do it to you?" he asks me, which made me start to think. But, I wasn't gonna let him get to me. I was just learning to accept that I'm in love with Chad. It's especially hard for me to believe in love and he knows that. I didn't respond, so he spoke up again.

"How is he any better than me?"

"I never said that he was any better than you, Josh. What are you talking about?"

"He doesn't smoke, I don't smoke. He's a good Christian, I'm a better Christian."

"What makes you a better Christian, Josh? You don't even know how judgmental you sound right now."

"He's no better than me, Hayley."

"Okay. What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, really trying to stay in control of this unbearable situation.

"Why are you with him?!" he yelled, then standing up, with his hand in his hair.

"Because I love him, Josh. We can't be together, you idiot. Don't you remember our decision? This was for the band and you're being selfish. You're confusing me and there's no way in hell that you could be angry that we're not together anymore! Not when you're in love with Jenna and I'm in love with Chad! No way in hell, Josh!"

He just looked down and told me that he was sorry. He sat back down next to me and said, "It's just still so hard to get over you. We didn't break up on bad terms. So, when we decided to break up, I was still in love with you. That love didn't automatically just shut down. Love doesn't work that way. So, when you'd do a cute little laugh or anything cute, in general, I was so close to kissing you, but then I had to remind myself that not only are you not mine; but, you belong to someone else."

"Trust me, it wasn't easy for me, either, and you don't see me acting the way you are. But, that's how I jumped so quickly into the relationship with Chad. I was trying to fall out of love with you. But, now that's not the case anymore. I really love him, Josh. And I miss him because he's so far away on tour and we can't be together. But, you're here, in the same place, with beautifully gorgeous Jenna and you just can't see what you have right now."

"I love Jenna; I do. It's just that, even though it's been a year that we haven't been together, the whole process of writing songs with you is getting to be too rough on me."

"How?"

"I don't think hat I'm gonna have an easy time writing any of them, if you're gonna be writing about how you feel about Chad."

"Well, I always write about my true feelings in our songs, Josh. You already know that's a major feature in our music, which is the reason people love our music so much. It's relatable."

"I'm sorry, if I sound like a jealous freak."

"It's fine. Just don't give up Jenna. Because if you do, it's about me, then you'd be giving her up for nothing, because either way, I'm still gonna be with Chad."

He just nodded and said, "Understood."