Dumb Decisions (Resse AU)

Part 25

Filled up plates and filled up wine glasses. Nothing could go wrong. Nothing.

"Ugh, you don't know how much I've missed your cooking."

"Well, you left it yourself."

"I can still miss something I left."

I look at her, she looks back at me. Does she mean what I think she means? No, there it is again: the wishful thinking. Thinking that there might still be a possibility of redemption, of actually going back to our old life. I try to think of Rob, remember his face, the way he moves, the dimples in his cheeks when he smiles, the left one being a bit more defined, or even the way his soft hair tickles my chest when we wake up, but like I said before, it's hard to think of someone else when she's sitting in front of me.

I take a sip of my wine to calm down. Come on Jesse, deep breaths. Everything is still going fine.

But before I know it the second bottle opens. My mind starts to become foggy after the third bottle is empty. Maybe I should stop drinking. But every sip I don't take increases my nervousness. Another sip. But every sip I do take increases my desire. The laughter becomes louder, and is this... teasing?

Oh no, this is going downhill.

I look at the clock. It's late enough for her to get out. I promised Rob I would text him. With that thought I pull myself together and say:

"Well, that was fun, but shouldn't you get back to the children? They're now your, as you so delicately said, 'problem'."

She also looks at the time, bewildered.

"Yes, yes, I should go. Do you need help with the dishes?"

"Oh, no, that's fine. I'll manage."

Come on, just leave. Get out. I hustle her to the door. While she checks her purse I grab her coat and hold it up. She slips into it like she has done a million times.

I remember the first time I did that. How gracefully she slipped into it. And when she turned around she had been so close...

But this time I take a cautious step back. She turns around and is a bit surprised by the distance. She tries to break through.

"You know, I wasn't quite sure if this would be a good idea, but I had a great time."

"Me too." Just get out before I do something stupid.

Silence, that damn look in her eyes. I try to resist every feeling I have, but all of my energy has gone to trying to let her go. I can feel the wine mixing with my blood, making it impossible to think straight.

Before I know it, I'm back in my bedroom, my own bedroom, her bedroom. Before I know it she's lying next to me again, both of us breathing heavily. Before I know it, it's morning, and I wake up to my old life.

~Rob's perspective~

Ah fuck. A paper is sticking to my cheek as I sit up. I fell asleep, again. The table is invisible because of the papers lying on top of it. I check my phone. No notifications....

That's weird, Jesse said he would text me. Oh well, he probably fell asleep too. I check the time, 6 AM. More than enough time to catch up on the work I wanted to do yesterday.

"Hey sleepyhead, I fell asleep too... now I have to catch up on work now🙄 see you at work okay?"

I watch as the gray check becomes double. He'll probably not see this for another two hours, but that's fine. 

Are there really no notifications? I check Twitter. Even Cherry didn't tweet anything. Did he finally get laid? I chuckle at the thought. Seems like I really need to get to work.

~Jesse's perspective~

I walk into the kitchen, unsure if what I think happened last night actually happened. I could not have possibly-

But I woke up in my own bed, her sweet scent was still lingering on her side. Rob always slept on my other side, so why else would I wake up on that side?

And there she is, two cups of coffee in her hand. The scene is so familiar, so comforting but also so unsettling. Didn't she scream at me in this same kitchen? Didn't she tell me she never wanted to see me again?

Why is she standing there, smiling while looking at me? why is she walking towards me, so much sweetness in her voice as she says

"Hey you, I just wanted to bring you a cup."

I convinced myself it would never happen again, that I would never taste her amazing coffeeskills again. That I would never wake up to her smile again, that I would never feel butterflies again.

But here we are. It's so close to being normal. So close to what I wanted. But there is guilt. So much guilt. How could I accept her love while still loving him? How could I make her breakfast as she's asking when it was meant for him. Fuck. He was supposed to come.

I open my phone and read his notification.

"Why did he send that?"

"What? Oh, we were supposed to have breakfast together."

I have never been happier that I didn't open the chat. I can feel the coldness washing of her, stinging my back.

"Not like that, we just eat breakfast because we like the company. His break up was also hard on him. But now he can't, so it checks out."

Why am I still lying to her? Why didn't I just tell her the truth, told her everything was a mistake.

But was it a mistake? With her I could have the picture perfect relationship, the public relationship I could never have with Rob. Raising children together again, watching them grow up. Not having to hide a relationship behind closed doors.

The picture perfect life I always dreamt of. Together with a woman who after all this time still knew how to make me happy, who still wished me the best, who still cared so much and who still knew how to make my favourite coffee.

How could I throw that away for a secret love affair? One that was already doomed to end at some point, just like we agreed upon that night. I couldn't do it.

"Hey, he'll be okay, and besides, you're here now."