Dear Darwin

Diary Entry: #10

I looked up at the clock on my desk. 

It was 9:19 PM. 

I sighed and returned to my math homework. I had been doing homework for almost 3 hours now and I was beginning to feel antsy. 

I didn't like bring confined to do one thing, especially if I wasn't something I liked or enjoyed.

My mom had always wanted me to graduate and get into one of those prestigious colleges she had ushered my two older siblings into.

But I don't think I can because for one, I absolutely flunk at this school thing. My grades are okay but I'm definitely not an straight A person. It's quite rare that I ever get an A+ and because I tend to have the attention span as Dory that to makes my life much harder than it needs to be.

Just imagine a college student who still fumbles over their timetables and can't do math off the bat mentally.

It's not that I don't study I just retrain and receive information differently. My mind sometimes just wanders around and being put on the spot is embarrassing. 

You sit in class thinking about many times a day does the janitor go to the gym showers to smoke, then suddenly your name is called and all cohesive thoughts just go straight out the window and you just have to wing it until the conversation is over, and you're left wondering what the heck just happened.

I decided to go get something to eat and call it a night because my brain is absolutely fried.

Before I would get to the kitchen door I hear low voices whispering from inside. It was my parents. I didn't exactly wanted to see them because of the argument that had just happened a few hours ago.

Especially what has happened is that well remember when I said that my grade were great but not outstanding and that my older siblings were well established and stable?

Well yeah, they were upset that I was becoming absolutely nothing like my siblings, therefore I never really had anchored relationship with them. Raising me is turbulent. I was different and that was something that they never expected nor was it exactly what they wanted.

I've had 6 complaints from my schools in which, according to them, despite that I am very creatively well driven and passionate about things I liked I still wasn't pushing myself hard enough, and that I need to study hard instead of prioritizing my social life, which ironically enough is nonexistent unbeknownst to any of them.

I know that I'm great at a lot of things but I also lack the motivation and self confidence to go after my dreams. I mean I try but I've always had the tendency to have people to either constantly tell me to be someone I'm not, or compare me to other people who actually outshines me.

I've actually learned to live with it and go at my own pace. But at some point it sucks your confidence dry and your motivation to want to be successful gets really low.

It doesn't mean that I'm bitter or envious towards others that do and strangely enough, it doesn't effect me as much as I feel minor compared to everyone around me.

One thing that I actually like about myself is that, it's less likely for me to be competitive or jealous because I don't have the drive for it. Even if I do my best to compete, I already know that I'm not going to win at it. That's how lottery works for me.

"I just don't know what to do with her Devon. She's really something else." My mom whispered. "I'm really beginning to regret declining that meeting the principal fixed with the therapist."

"She ain't need no therapist. What she needs is some sense smacked into that airhead of hers." Dad replied.

I rolled my eyes at his statement. I had became so use to the insensitive stuff my dad says that there isn't much emotions left in me to even feel hurt. I had only came to the realization recently that rebelling was only antagonizing to myself so I had just... well, given up, essentially.

If I didn't feel valid and heard as a human being, but rather just a simple pawn to only be played and manipulated with then what was really the point in listening. If conditions were being placed on the love, support and respect I receive in my environment then what was the point in trying to please everyone when nobody is ever truly satisfied with who you are but rather who they're comfortable with you being.

"If she only pushed herself the way Marclin does she would really have a bright future for herself. Too lazy if you ask me. When Hilliam was her age he had already graduated and was going on to SU university..."

I had stopped listening and was already making my way back up to my room. I quietly slammed my door and flopped into my bed. An uneasy sense of anger was boiling inside of the pit of my stomach. Breathing had suddenly become hard to do.

As the anger rise within me the lamp on my nightstand began to flicker wildly. And so did the lights in my room. My silverware jewelry started buzzing against my skin, causing them to shock me.

The lights were still flickering on and off. I heard a spark in the ceiling, then suddenly there was utter darkness.