A New Tale from the Shadowhunter Academy

14. Revealing

"Cara."

Cara was on her way to the weapons' storage when she heard her name. She turned around to see Rafe approaching her. They've had no opportunity to talk yet after they had left the Dean's office last night.

"Can we talk?" Rafe asked. "In private?"

Cara turned on her heel and headed for an empty classroom. Some distance behind her she could hear Rafe steps. Arriving at the room she opened the door and waited for Rafe to enter first. Then she followed suit and closed the door firmly.

She crossed her arms and faced Rafe without saying a word.

Rafe looked at her a few moments in silence as if considering what to say next. Cara knew that expression by now. Except during his outburst the previous night he always thought before speaking. His face became nearly blank then as if his features didn't know what to do without instructions from his brain.

"I want to apologize," he started. "With my... uncalculated statement I put you in a very uncomfortable position and under emotional pressure, which was inadequate considering situation. So... I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me."

He looked at her as if he expected her to say something for a moment but then continued: "I can understand if you prefer to end our agreement. But if you wish to continue the lectures I promise not to bother you with my... my feelings."

Cara saw that he had to force the last two words out, as if it would cost him quite an effort to spill them out. She could sympathize. She had planned to avoid him as far as possible during the following year. As she would still train with the other Ascendees and he with the elite, it should be practicable. Though, if she was being honest to herself, a luxury she rarely allowed, she would miss his lectures... and as she just allowed some honesty she had to admit that she liked Rafe. His considered actions, his clear way of speaking, his understanding of the people surrounding him. She found that fascinating traits of his personality.

Slowly, she let out a deep breath: "It's not that I wouldn't like you. On the contrary. You're the person I most enjoy spending time with. I just can't be with you like that."

His features stayed perfectly calm though he clenched one fist when he asked back: "May I ask why not?"

Cara hesitated. She was about to tell Rafe what she had kept buried inside herself for years now. Would bringing it to the surface cause a rift that would never heal again? Or was it the opportunity to get cut an ingrown splinter out of her flesh? With a deep sigh she decided to follow her gut.

"As a child... I... I was abused. By my aunt. Repeatedly. First I was too ashamed to ask for help, but one day I couldn't bear it any longer. I went to my parents and told them everything. You must know, my parents are very conservative people. For them it was impossible that something like that would happen in our perfectly respectable family. So they downplayed everything and said I had too vivid an imagination. My aunt never had to suffer consequences. That's when I understood that I could only rely on myself for protection; that I would have to defend myself as no one else would do it. But I also promised myself that I would never again let anyone near me enough to hurt me, physically or emotionally."

Rafe looked as if stabbed in the stomach. Her story had hit the otherwise so calm and collected boy hard. It took some time for him to recover his countenance before he asked: "Is that why you decided to join the Academy? To train to defend yourself?"

"Yes. When a Shadowhunter of the Berlin Institute approached me because I had the Sight and offered me the chance to become a Shadowhunter myself it was the opportunity for me to escape a family that rated its reputation higher than the well-being of its children."

Rafe snorted: "Then you jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. Do you expect a people that cherishes their family names and makes their children train to slaughter demons as soon as they are able to walk to be progressive and caring of these children's needs and desires? Believe me, we have as little a say in our fate as mundane children. Ask my Dad. Ask him how much rejection he had to suffer because of his loving relationship with a warlock. A male warlock, that is."

"I've realized that by now," Cara replied. "But nevertheless, I left my 'family' and I was trained. I got what I wanted."

"I understand," Rafe said, nodding slowly. "I won't bother..."

"I wasn't done yet," she interrupted him.

Cara had come to the Academy, had entered the Shadow World to lose the grip of her past. But if she separated from Rafe because of her fear to get hurt again, wouldn't her past get the better of her? Was she really willing to let what has been done to her dictate what to do with her future?

"I also want to continue our lectures." She took a deep breath. "And I want to get to know you better."

One of his rare smiles spread over his face and let his eyes gleam like the rising sun: "I would love that. And be assured, I won't extort anything from you. Enjoying your company is sufficient for me."

Silence settled between them. Not the uncomfortable kind, which indicates the lack of words. It felt more like a blanket wrapping them up, warm and cozy. Neither of them seemed willing to break it. Finally Rafe cleared his throat and said: "We should probably return to class now. See you later in the library?"

Cara nodded in agreement. She was looking forward to that.

She headed for the door but stopped short when an afterthought came to her mind: "How did you know that Edda was behind the summoning?"

Rafe smirked slightly: "You mean because I said seeing her last night was no surprise? I didn't know. But it's best to let your enemies believe that you've always been ahead of them. Plus, I was quite sure that the evildoer wasn't Nik. Nevertheless, I was honest in saying that meeting her wasn't pleasant."

Despite herself Cara felt the corners of her mouth rise a bit: "When she approached me in the library, I suspected that she simply had a crush on you and saw me as competitor. But now I guess that she wanted to avoid her future figurehead to have bad company."

"I thought so, too. Well, bad company is in the eye of the beholder."

They finally left the classroom but before they parted Rafe inquired: "May I ask you something? You don't have to answer, of course," he hurriedly assured. Cara appreciated how he avoided putting any pressure on her.

"Go ahead."

"Which name did you give the seraph blade?"

After a short moment of consideration Cara answered: "Rafael."