The unspoken words of Lola Jayne

you see, we all have mistakes in our life, things we wish we can erase, change, do over. In my case I have a very hard time dealing with emotions, im a softy. I also have a problem being mean to anyone and saying no. My mother had me when she was a teenager, i've never wanted to be sexually active unless I was ready for the risk of pregnancy and whatnot.Stupid High School parties happen and one thing leads to another , i say no, and no one seemed to care.My view is that if I don't put out i'll loose a man , and that scares me more than anything to be forced to do things I don't want to. Not that sexual stuff isn't fun, because it feels good, but once you start it , you can't exactly stop can you? It's so bad to the point where even if we're french kissing I feel smothered, it's enjoyable sometimes, but once you're traumatized you can't help but to freak out every time something reminds you of it. The first time my boyfriend and I did it I cried, and he just had the most disappointed look on his face, like he was disgusted with me and i just told him that it was my first time and it just hurt a lot. I hate lying to him , and I know we're young , but i've known him for four years and we were best friends and we fell in love and do you know how dreary it feels to disappoint someone you love? It feels like you're being slayed from the inside out. I thought that if I pretended that I liked being this way I would eventually. Oh god was I wrong .