Dumb Decisions (Resse AU)

Part 23

"We broke up."

I stop in my rant and look up. I see tears forming in his eyes. Great.

"That- That's why I'm here."

"To use me as a rebound?"

"No. I realized I did need you. My life wasn't complete without you. I still wanted to tell you everything that happened to me. I still wanted it to be you sleeping next to me. I wanted my life with you."

The life with me. I remember all of the great times we had together. Going on walks hand in hand, buying the dog, going over to family! The morning breakfasts, the evening dinners or the midday lunches. The surprise flowers, the comfort of just having somebody be there. And here's a chance to get all of that back. Leave the chaotic world with confusing feelings and run back to the safety of a stable home.

"Well that's too bad. I'm doing great without you."

I slam the door. This time nothing's preventing it from closing. I listen closely and hear him walk away. My knees finally give up and I sink to the floor. Tears start streaming and I don't know why. Was it because I missed Jesse? Was it guilt for actually considering leaving him? Was it lying to Sjoerd? Was it throwing away my normal life I longed for?

This was the second time I lied to someone close to me. Twice on the same day. Why did it hurt so much? Two lies, one to prevent someone from hurting, one to hurt someone. I wish I could do it as easy as Jesse could do it. I wish Jesse was here to hug me, to tell me he loves me, to comfort me like he had done before. But I was on my own, and close to be late for work. Shit.

~Jesse's perspective~

My pen taps a quick rhythm as I try to look calm. I check my phone again. The meeting is about to start and he still isn't here. Everybody's sitting already. I turn around to look at the door. Still not here. Did something happen? I check my phone again. Did he seem.. off?

He has been a bit... distracted the past week. And tonight, when I found him in the hallway? That was also kind of weird. He said he was thirsty, but he didn't seem all to grateful for the glass of water.

And now he's late. And the only reason he could be late is because he was taking a long shower or he got held up by someone or something. If he took a long shower than he was thinking about something, if something else held him up it could mean trouble. Both were not good. 

Okay Jesse, deep breaths. There might be some traffic or something. I put my hand on my leg to stop it from bouncing. I look back at the door, but they remain closed. I look back at my watch and try to sit back. It's all gonna be fine. He still has 2 minutes left. That's enough to walk through the door and sit down.

Finally I hear the door handle going down, a breeze of cold air comes in carrying his scent. I turn around to smile at him, but my face turns into panic. He has been crying. It isn't very noticeable, but you can still see some red spots, and his eyelashes are still stuck together. I raise my eyebrow at him, but he softly shakes his head.

"Rob, where were you?"

Sigrid's voice cuts through the meeting room. People turn their heads towards her, but she seems too worried to care.

"Just some people at my door trying to sell me something. I couldn't leave."

So, someone at the door.

"Alright than. Well, sit down. At least you're still kind of on time."

He slides into the chair next to mine, Sigrid in the other chair next to him. When he sits down I quickly pass his hand with mine and give it a short squeeze. We pretend like nothing happened.

When the meeting has been going on for a while I write on the side of my note pad.

"Who was at the door?"

He looks to his left and reads my question. He leans more forward, as if he's paying more attention and scribbles something down.

"Sjoerd."

The name stings my heart. Why was he at his house? Hasn't he done enough to hurt him?

"What did he want?"

"Me back."

My head becomes light and my throat closes.

"What did you say?"

"No, obviously."

"Then why were you crying?"

My eyes look through the room as he scribbles his next note. Nobody seems to notice that we're having a conversation. Everybody's lost in the topic. Good.

"Was it obvious? And can we talk about this later? Trying to understand the meeting here."

"Did he hurt you?"

"Not physically."

"Good. We'll talk later."

But I could just as easily not have been present at the meeting, as my brain can't seem to focus on the topic. All it thinks about is Sjoerd showing up at Rob's door and what he could've said to make Rob cry.

But I also feel a tiny tinge of guilt. He said no to Sjoerd. He obviously said no to Sjoerd. He apparently had no hesitation, no doubts. He clearly wanted us to exist. He did not want to go back to his old life.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I still had this tiny bit of hope that he too wanted his old life back. Maybe not enough to set through with it, but that it was there. That he might also take it if he had the chance. Guilt starts to become stronger as I pick up the kids. Stronger as I get into the house and realize I still have to clean because she isn't there. It peaks when I lie in bed that night and can't seem to decide who I'd rather have at my side right now.