iridescent

tres

092421 | Seoul
jungkook

diary,

Love, comes when you least expect it.

      It can be the milkman who delivers milk religiously everyday. Someone who never fails to give more than just a short glance whenever you open the door as they arrive, or feel a buzz of electricity and so-called butterflies whenever you pay them money and your hands touch theirs.

It can be the loud neighbor in your apartment complex with the big mouth, who keeps stuttering whenever you hand them over a gift like freshly baked bread and a drink that you made yourself. Love is calling out to you in the way they stutter and get flustered, cheeks, face and ears all red with embarrassment and shyness.

For me, diary? It was Jungkook. As a newly graduated student, I was lost. Music was all I have, and yet without the support of my parents who did not want me to pursue music, I had nothing to spend even just for the hand-me-down equipments.

I lived in my old apartment, 2nd floor with the tiny terrace for my two potted plants, a small window for my goldfish, nicholas, to see the city below, and a small bedroom with a kitchen parallel to it. I never learned to cook well, I ended up burning food! Lol. How I managed to survive six months on instant food was a surprise, my mom would've nagged and dragged me home by the ear. Even with their stubbornness and total dislike at my dream of becoming a producer, they loved me enough to cover for my apartment's rent until it became mine in the end.

Mom, dad, if you read this diary, I love you both. I love Music! I have the passion for it! You'll see, I will make you both proud.

Back to Jungkook. He's in his third year in college, if I'm right. It's silly cause we met at a computer shop. Looking for a job is my priority, diary. After all, I need capital so that I can buy some equipment, install it at home, rebuild a makeshift music studio and get rich! RICH. Okay, I was kidding. I wasn't in it for the money, I just love to produce songs. If it becomes a hit, then damn, thanks.

So, diary, I was waiting for the computer to load and as if all the bad luck in the universe decided to rain humiliation to me,  the screen loaded up and a pair of bodies in the nude came into the display matched with the awfully loud clapping noises from the speaker. Fuck, I was frozen. Because— why would anyone leave such a stupid prank on a public place, a computer shop, where everyone can hear the echoes of the sound that came from the pc.

Luckily, Jungkook managed to turn the software off before more peering eyes can poke fun at his disposal. Oh, how my cheeks burned with embarrassment the moment the screen turned black and simply reflected my face. I just knew that I had to thank them by asking them out for coffee! I mean, I am older by a few years so I just thought it was a thankyou gift for helping me.

I still remember our conversation. He said he's taking a course that'll bring him towards becoming a game developer. It was no surprise I did notice him, being a frequent sight at the shop, playing games all the time. What surprised me more was that, on the way home, he is going through the same direction, the same apartment, and the same floor as me.

My room's number 94, his was 97. You sure as heck knew we'd be talking a lot more than usual, diary! I mean, I'd visit his room and he'd visit mine. We'll talk about the things in life that we used to keep for ourselves, and we got close.

"My father wants me to become a doctor, hyung. I— I hate it. I don't want to die not doing what I love. You know what my favorite quote is, namjoon hyung?"

"Nope. What is it?"

"I'd rather die than live without passion."

That made me speechless, diary. From someone like Jungkook, he is already impressive with all his skills and knack for prowess in all sorts of things—it resulted to me calling him the golden kid. He shrugs the idea off but his bunny smile makes me think otherwise.

The fire that burned in his eyes was inspiring, you can feel every stroke of emotion in his voice as he said that statement. I find him adorable, sweet, somewhat clingy and has childish tendencies such as buying whole boxes of banana milk while I drink coffee in either of our apartments.

Jungkook and I, it was like a normal kind of friendship. You know, you share secrets, trade them even, make fun of stupid things you both experienced in the past, shared hardships and all that sappy shit most romance writers scrap out of real experiences and paste to books for the sake of scenes with realistic approaches.

All I did was sideline, doing jobs like being a waiter (I broke a lot of plates), barista (I tore the handle of the coffee grinder off completely), and well, a lot more inbetween saving money for my dreams. I had no one but myself, Nicholas the goldfish, and Jungkook. He was home to me, that time, I felt as if everything is in place even if it wasn't; because he's there for me, and so was I for him.

It was fine. Every day was a routine of greeting each other, bickering about mundane things on the way to the stairs and down below as I get to work and he finishes off his last year at college.

The day before his graduation, I was in my room carefully placing an equipment I found on sale along with a second-hand laptop that came with it. He just straightly said, "Hyung. Hyung, I like you." Which made me drop my screwdriver, the cardboard boxes I've stacked, and myself on the floor.

"What—?"

"—Don't speak yet! Let me have this moment." he said, diary.
Of course, I had to shut up and let him speak. Though, I had to pull my small chair back up and listen to him once more.

"Okay, okay. Listen, hyung. I really like you. I… I don't know where it started.. maybe, it was when you listened to my rants everytime dad forces me to switch courses despite me being in the last year in school. Or, or it might be because you were there for me almost every single day, bearing with my annoying self that I have grown comfortable enough to realize this feeling I just knew I felt."

At this point, I cleared my throat, cheeks burning but I stayed silent nonetheless. From the looks of it, he's not done yet with his— would you call this a confession speech? If so, then yes.

"But... but the real reason is. Namjoon hyung, I like you because you're… you."

Well? What do I say? Of course, I liked him too. He was the first one to go out with me, as my boyfriend. The day after the graduation, I went with him to the Museum with all those high-tech equipment for gaming and even if it wasn't my cup of tea, I enjoyed a lot. He's the type that will always make you smile with whatever he does, he's amazing. Jungkook is.

Of course, amazing things don't stay forever. They have to be fleeting to be amazing, or else it'll be ordinary, right? He confessed to me a year and a half after, that he had liked— loved me, but as the months passed, it changed. I told him, I understand. We sealed our last day together with a kiss. Sweet, passionate; the last. The last of us, and I accept it.

There are some things that are bound to be the end, and for us, I'm happy that there's no bitterness in my heart when we broke up. Jungkook used to call me sometimes after he left into USA, finally getting the break he needed and the approval of his parents. Now, we haven't talked since.

Still, I'm glad. We've had our closure, and looking back on those moments in cramped apartments and loud neighbors at midnight, it's memorable. Definitely. Our long term friendship saved us from a bad fall, and I feel better knowing things went that way than downhill.

Some people are there to pass by, leave a mark, and walk off again. They either break a part of you, or chip off only the unnecessary.  Life and the Fates are the master artists, I trust that things will be hard and it will be unpredictable but hey, that's how it goes. Always.

I realized that Love comes when you least expect it. And when it leaves, and the autumn breeze takes it away, let it go  because it was never meant to stay.

from namjoon.