My Two Moms by Jeff Spampinato-Savre

Jeff's Diary Entry 2: Feb. 12, 2021

February 12th

Things have reached a NEW LEVEL of WEIRD, lately.

My mom got up really early in the morning and I was super pumped! I assumed we were gonna go for a long walk along the river by our house so I could catch up with my duck friends (Shout out to the Mallards!), but unfortunately, mom had other plans in mind that didn't involve a morning excursion. Seriously, WTF mom? Why did you wake my ass up so early?! To say I was PISSED would be an understatement. 

The weirder part though, was my mom jumped in the shower before the sun came up and got dressed in real clothes—not the comfy sh*t she usually lounges around the house in—which isn't that common of an occurrence at Casa di Spampinato. Mom prefers to wear boy jeans and mid-drift t-shirts around the house while she blasts old school Italian music and hangs out with the blonde lady on the couch and in bed and sometimes in the shower—again, WEIRD. I also find the amount of affinity they have for showers quite odd...but maybe that's because I'm a dog and I hate getting wet (unless it's jumping in the river or ocean). Oh, that's another thing, they always talk about one another being wet, when they look completely dry to me. Again, I think my mom might need glasses. But yah, the two of them usually drink that mud-water, stare at each other, and pet each other. I never really knew humans pet other humans—I thought that was reserved for dogs, but hey, you learn something new every day. 

Anyway, after mom got washed up and dressed, she proceeded to then do full hair and makeup. Now, sometimes she does this when the short lady, Danielle, comes over. The last time this happened is when I heard her call the woman by the name "F*ck Me"—then they rudely closed mom's bedroom door and kept clapping their hands for a long time til they were out of breath, at least that's what it sounded like. Like, who gets tired from clapping their hands, tho? Humans are f*cking weird, bruh. And, I mean, if they were watching a funny show or movie, I would have loved to view it as well, especially with all the applause sounds they were making. But sometimes they shut me out of the room...maybe it's human only content they were consuming—who knows? 

But yah, mom got full on ready with hair and makeup, but "F*ck me, Bambina" never showed up, so I wasn't sure who she was trying to impress this morning. Since it seemed like nobody was coming over, I tried running around the living room and scratching the front door like a 90s hip hop DJ to let her know I still would be down to go for a walk, but mom told me I had to wait and behave—she'd take me out later. I rolled my puppy dog eyes and begrudgingly trotted my wire-haired self to a pile of mom's laundry to go back to bed. 

Mom was at her standing desk trying to figure out how to connect to the wifi...she's really bad at technology—but if I was being honest, I'd say she's just a luddite. I was trying to go back to sleep, but I was kept awake by her fumbling around with wires and running through the house like a madwoman trying to plug in her charger before her laptop died, all while cursing in Italian and reminding me of that Disney dog, Pluto—she really is like him. Then suddenly, I heard two other women's voices. Did we have guest? And more importantly, do they have food?

I ran out to the living room to investigate, but realized she was talking to the women through a screen. Usually when mom is talking to someone on a screen it's "Dani Bella." And usually they're talking about how much they love each other or Danielle's forehead vein...but that's a story for another entry. This time mom was speaking with two pretty latina ladies and they were asking her some really funny questions.

First of all, for some reason they think my mom is a gynecologist...LMAO. Let me just set the record straight (or not), she isn't an OBGYN, but she has seen her fair share of vaginas. Unfortunately, I've been around to witness some of them, too...but, let's keep that for another entry. I will say though, lately it seems to be more specifically one vagina...but, I have a feeling you all know who's I am talking about. (Oh no, I've said too much...BAHAHAHA)

But yah, my mom isn't a doctor, she is an actress. She used to be a dancer and she still does dance, but mostly around the house in her dog costume (naked) and with me and sometimes with "Dani, Bambina, F*ck Me"...but never the 3 of us, that sh*t would be WAY TOO WEIRD, and things are already HELLA WEIRD around here. Speaking of her acting though, the two women talked about how mom is really good at improvising, but if you ask me, that's not what she's doing. Unless improvising means acting the way she acts when Danielle and her hang out alone, then yes, that would be improvising. Sometimes I watch the show with mom and Dani, but if I wanted to watch that, I'd just pay more attention to them when mom and I sleep over at the blonde lady's house or when the blonde girl takes my spot on mom's bed when she stays over (I'm still annoyed that she takes my spot sometimes, ugh, go to your house with your big backyard, woman!)

It was also kinda sus because they asked my mom to rate Danielle as a kisser from a scale from 1-10. Mom said she was definitely a 10, but I think she may have been lying, cause most of the times I see them kissing, mom says she needs more and always asks for 3 (fingers)...so I thought Dani's kisses weren't that great and she would probably only rate her a 3 👌.  Who knows though, maybe my mom was trying to be nice and pump up "F*ck Me's" ego?

During this interview my mom did, there were a few things that annoyed me that she said:

1) I was kind of offended when my mom compared herself to Goofy and Pluto, but not Tin Tin, who is obviously a way more superior breed as he is of the same lineage as myself.

2) I was also mad that mom picked pizza over pasta—she knows we come from a pasta family. Also, we're romantics. Lady and the Tramp didn't share a romantic dinner of pizza, they shared a romantic dinner of spaghetti and meatballs. Come on, mom! Ugh...the disappointment.

3) It's super annoying when my mom uses me as her answer for when she wants to dodge a question. For example they asked who she would bring to a deserted island, and she said me. But let's be honest, we all know it'd be Danielle. And I'd be cool with that, have you seen the woman? She's super strong, outdoorsy, and could totally build us a legit shelter and catch us food. The woman is a Pink Hulk. Speaking of pink, that was another thing. They asked what was on her bedside table, and she said ear plugs because I snore—but actually I'm the one who needs ear plugs when she's using her pink vibrating friend at maximum level and screaming a certain woman's name who isn't there and shall not be named, but it rhymes with Vanielle. And she tried to say I am the one who makes all the noise...BAH!

But, what can I say. Moms can't be perfect all the time and that's okay. I love my mom no matter what...and I am starting to think I may be getting another mom... We shall see 🐶👱🏻‍♀️🤭

Till next time—Paws Paws,
Jeff Spampinato