(La Mémoire #1) NOSTALGIA

XLIX

Yes, when we're older, we may be more matured, more experienced, and more responsible but we fall in love just the same. The way we express it or the way it was reciprocated may change. But we feel it just the same. All the crazy heartbeats and five am rush and stomach in our butterflies, would they ever change when you're fifteen or twenty five or fifty? I think not.

I cried so hard because I know so well that when I'm older, I would only feel this for a single person. I cried because it was all so new to me. I never cared nor ached to be with someone this much. And it hurt me that the first time it happened, I was forbidden to experience it.

God, I want to be with Stav. Gusto ko siyang makausap. Gusto kong masiguro na ayos lang siya, na hindi siya nag-aalala, na hindi niya naman talaga ako hihiwalayan. I miss him already. I miss his arms, wrapping firm against my fragile shoulders. I miss his chest and how it was hard but it was soft and comforting.

Ngayon na pinagbabawalan kami, pakiramdam ko mas lalo lang sumidhi ang kagustuhan kong makasama ito. It was overwhelming for me too. Ang alam ko lang handa akong suwayin ang Auntie para rito. I want to be with him and nothing else mattered at that moment.

"Zhalia."

Huminto ang pag-iyak ko sa pamilyar na boses na iyon. Naestatwa ako. Bumilis ang pintig ng puso ko at nilukuban ako ng nakakapanginig na takot.

"Mama."

"Walang hiya ka talagang bata ka." The contempt in Mama's voice lingered like poison in the air.

Bumangon ako at nilingon ito. My room was dim-lit with a beside lamp. Mama, in her peignor and hair tied in a chignon walked towards me.

"This is the worst you have done. Napakawalang kwenta mo na nga, sutil ka pa! Nakakahiya ka!"

I wanted to tell her that she wasn't supposed to say that. Parents have no right to verbally or physically abuse their children no matter the circumstances. It is never justified.

As children, we may remember our parent's love and kindness to us but once they hurt us, we will remember that more. We will forever remember the fear. The world is harsh enough already. Our parents should be our safety, not another reason for us to be scared or hurt.

Every time she repeatedly hurt me, it creates a gap between our relationship until the gap has been so huge, she had become a stranger from a mother.

"Mama, no. Wala kaming ginagawang masama. Mabait po siya.." Hindi ko alam kung paano ipauunawa sa sarili kong ina ang nadarama.

I would love for her to understand. I would love to tell her about this boy I adore so well, I care for so well. This boy who makes me really happy. But we never tell each other much.

It all came in sequence. Mama grabbed my hair, strangled me, slapped me. I cried. I just cried.

Hindi ako makahinga. Numinipis ang hangin sa baga ko at sobrang sakit ng leeg ko. Tanging pag-iyak ang nagawa ko.

"Zhalia." Boses ni Lyon ang nagpahinto sa lahat.

"Hey, you're okay. You're okay." Alu nito.

"Narinig ko na umiiyak ka at parang hindi makahinga kaya pumasok na ako. Binabangungot ka at ginising kita."

Lyon told me it was a dream but how come it felt so real?

"Shh.. you're fine. Just breathe."

Lyon counted down from ten, helped me with my breathing exercises to calm the anxiety.

"3, 2, 1, exhale." He soothed me.

Nang kumalma na ako ay iniwan niya ako upang makatulog na ulit. Pero hindi iyon nangyari. Hindi ako mapakali. Panay ang tingin ko sa pintuan, paroon at parito sa silid, at panay ang pagtalukbong ng kumot.