(La Mémoire #1) NOSTALGIA

XXXVIII

XXXVIII
Summer Nine

When I was six, mom tried to kill me with tranquilizers. Those were the drugs she told me to drink as vitamins. Mabuti na lang at naagapan. If it was not apprehended early, I might have fallen into addiction—just like her.

It was a near case of filicide. It's the killing of one's son or daughter due to the thinking that taking their life would end their suffering. In psychological studies, filicide can be caused by acts associated with parental suicidal ideation.

Dahil sa kagustuhang magpakamatay ng magulang, iniisip nitong hindi patas na iwanan niya ang anak niya at hayaan pang magdusa kapag wala na ito. In return, to save the child from their "perceived" suffering, they take them with their suicidal intention.

In the States, they also made me see a therapist because of that. It was a good thing to talk to a professional about what traumatized me for a while. Talk therapy is really a necessity. It taught me that as much as we care for our physical health, we should also seek intervention for our mental health. It's not a shame to see a professional.

Mama's acts back then was because of her depression. After years of being an inpatient in a rehab facility and on-going psychotherapy sessions, she’s now made progresses.

My mom’s back to normal. Or so I thought.

Today, Lyon and I caught spiders from our garden. Isinilid namin iyon sa isang grapon upang pag-awayin. Syempre, hindi ko naman hinahayaang mamatay. Kapag may dehado na ay pinakakawalan na namin. 

“Ayoko silang pag-awayin ngayon. I want to grow this.” Alma ko habang bitbit ang maliit na grapon patungong kusina. 

Uminom ako ng tubig pagkatapos ay pinakawalan ko sa kitchen counter ang gagamba. Pinagmasdan ko iyon. 

“He looks cute.” Hinawakan ko ang maliliit noong mga paa.

“Hindi na iyan lalaki. Pag-awayin na lang natin tutal mamamatay rin naman 'yan.” 

Kapwa kami natigilan nang dumating ang Auntie Martina.

“Hija, may bisita tayo sa sala. Business investor ko iyon. Go ahead, serve him some tea para isipin niyang hindi ka spoiled brat.” 

Inilapag niya ang maliit na tray ng tsaa sa lababo.

“Carry this, okay? Iabot mo sa naka-pulang suit.” 

With that, Auntie quickly left. 

“What does spoiled brat mean?” Nilingon ko si Lyon. He shrugged his shoulders.

Inihatid ko muna sa bisita ng Auntie ang tsaa at iniwan si Lyon sa kusina. The old businessman did praise me for my kindness. 

“Where’s my spider?” Pagkabalik ko ay wala na sa lababo ang gagamba.

Hinanap ko pa iyon bago namilog ang mga mata ko sa naisip.

“Lyon.” Kinakabahan kong tinawag si Lyon.

“What?” 

“Na sa sala rin ang Tito Leonelle mo. Can you please go to him and check if there is a spider on the tea in the center table?” 

Lyon’s jaw dropped open. Paulit ulit ko pa itong pinilit bago napasunod. Labag sa loob itong tumungo sa sala.

“Zhalia lumalangoy ang gagamba mo sa tsaa ni Mr. Contreras! Investor raw siya sa golf course na ipatatayo ng Auntie mo sa hacienda.”

Oh my god. That was when I knew it was my doom. 

“Go ahead. Bawiin mo ang tsaa please!” Itinulak ko si Lyon.