Retrograde▸bucky barnes

11. Lilith

Dr. Raynor nodded again, noticing Lena's agitation. Everything Lena ever said was greeted with a slow, analytical nod. All the while Lena had been reorganizing the disarray that was her purse and she had finally concluded taking stock of it, extracting a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

"You can't smoke in here," Dr. Raynor said as she watched Lena light the cigarette.

"I know," Lena said.

Dr. Raynor frowned and got up to open a window, having decided that it was clearly not worth the argument.

"What is it that you find desirable about smoking? The nicotine will have no effect on you."

"Nor will the smoke inhalation have any on my lungs."

Dr. Raynor sighed, "Are you trying to annoy me today?"

"No, why?"

"Because you told me a bit about Lilith with minimal prodding, and yet here you are smoking a cigarette in my office like it's 1945."

"Because I should have died in 1945."

Dr. Raynor frowned but didn't say anything else.

Lena knew that she was being obstinate on purpose. But this whole conversation had no point and the only thing that she had gathered while sitting here today was that she immensely disliked the portrait hanging behind Dr. Raynor.

"Lena, you've made immense progress in how you think about this century, whether that be because of me, Torres or the time you've spent in your job. But regardless, you can't continue to only interact with so few individuals."

"You just said it yourself, I've got my job," Lena said, careful to not bring Bucky into the conversation. He felt like a safe space so far displaced from her tragic backstory and she did not want to include him into her discussion of it.

"But your job can't be your life."

"Why not? When I wasn't directly Lilith in the seventies and eighties I worked in the music industry and it went wonderfully."

"You know just as well as I that managing a small little studio uptown and a few up-and-coming artists is nowhere near the same as the work you put in around back then."

"Only because those revolutionary breakthroughs to the music industry are over. That doesn't mean that these new artists won't be great in their own time."

"I think you're missing my point," Dr. Raynor continued, "I did not mean that what you're doing isn't worthwhile, I just mean that you're not forming deep friendships and relationships with your coworkers as you might have once done."

Lena frowned, knowing that she was correct in her assessment. Lena did not have anyone she would necessarily consider "friends" whom she spent time with.

"Maybe you can focus on making some friends," Dr. Raynor said as if reading her mind.

Bucky's face flashed through Lena's mind, an echo of laughter etched onto the memory. Lena shook her head to refocus on the conversation at hand.

"What was that little head shake thing?" Dr. Raynor asked without missing a beat.

"Nothing. I was just um, trying to think of an example of friends I had."

"I see," she said, still looking suspicious, "You're usually more insistent that you have friends, you always start listing people when we bring this up."

"Well I-" she started but her phone rang interrupting her. Bucky's name, still in her phone only as "James" flashed on the screen, "See one of my friends calling right now. Got to go," she said, collecting her things and hurrying out.

She could feel Dr. Raynor's annoyed stare as she left the room. It was not the first time she had left in the middle of their session, nor would it be the last. But answering Bucky's phone call was still far preferable to continuing the session.

"Hi," she said, answering the phone, still feeling guilty about having run out of their previous time spent together."

"Hey there. I was just calling because something came up-" Bucky's voice became muffled as if he had pulled the phone away from his face, and she heard what sounded like someone being told to shut up.

"Sorry," he said, his voice returning to normal clarity, "Something came up and I have to go to Germany."

"Oh," Lena said, surprising herself with the disappointment she felt at not being able to see him later today.

"I should be back in a couple days. Another raincheck on breakfast?"

Lena heard someone in the background give a childish "Ooo who are you asking to breakfast?" and then the sound of someone receiving a backhanded hit. The voice sounded familiar but she could not put her finger on why,

"Of course. I guess we're just two people who randomly have to go meet their friends in foreign countries," Lena said.

Bucky laughed, "I guess that's one way to put it."

"You'll have to tell me all about it when you get back."

"Only if you tell me about Switzerland."

Lena laughed, realizing she would need to concoct a solid explanation of what she did there and plausibly explain the dark bruise that had spawned across the side of her face.

"I'll see you when you get back to the States," Lena said.

"I look forward to it," Bucky said and she could hear the same voice in the background saying "get off the phone with your girl or I'm kicking you off this plane."

"You are the worst to have in the room while trying to talk on the phone Sa-" Lena heard Bucky say before the line disconnected.

Lena internally smiled as she hung up, finding an unexplainable pleasure in knowing someone had described her relation to Bucky as "your girl."