FANFICTION Torn apart connected

Chapter 22 My eagerness seeks what creates suffering

Sam's POV

Despair rages within me.

I am being strangled inside. Torn. Crushed.

Bloody hands crushing my heart and knotting my lungs. Tearing my body apart. Claws digging into my stomach.

They are my hands. My own.

My guilty hands are tearing me apart inside. Taking me captive. Torturing me. Make me see and remember. Rubbing the bloody truth in my face.

Other hands clasping my Yu.

Being close to him. Touching him. Comforting him. Catching his tears.

A deep scream resounds through my body. Everything inside me tightens into a destructive asteroid. I hurtle toward reality, bringing destruction, pain, sorrow, emptiness.

I've led him into the arms of another. Hurt him.

The deafening howl inside me resounds into all my senses and makes me break.

I break. Gasping for breath.

And when I can finally breathe, images flood me.

Images of Yu. His eyes. His tears. His skin. His huddled body. I want so much to be with him. To hold him in my arms. To hold my Yu. And I see his open mouth. And the strange hands on his body. They touch him, slide over his body, make him moan. Rubbing. Gripping. Making him squirm.

My Yu, I can't grasp him. I can't grasp it. My hands tear and pull. On my closed eyelids is projected the madness of my despair. I see my Yu in strange arms. And I drive him there.

Only from afar I hear Yu's words, his tenderness, his warmth, his love. He whispers to me. Wants me to rest in him.

But I only see his refuge. How he seeks it with someone else. Giving his soul to him. His hands on another body. His lips nestled against someone else's. Sucking and licking on another. Strange hands on my Yu.

Their sleepless night. I'm racing. And can't bear Yu's touch. I push him away. Away from me. Into his arms.

His sobs break me. I see his tears flowing and I want to hear it. Tell me. How he made you shaking. Kissing your tears away. Devouring you. Tell me. All of it.

I hear my wild, screaming heartbeat deafen my ears and discharge my pain. My bloody hands throb in time with my despair.

And Yu grips them. His blood on my hands. His tears mingle with my guilt. "Come, I'll clean your wound," I hear him far away. He pulls me behind him.

Cleaning my wound. He wants to take my guilt away. Wash me clean. My Yu.

And I break. Let my impure tears run their course. I want to free myself. To be with him. Close. His hands on my face. I feel my Yu enveloping me. Feel his warmth. Seek his forgiveness. And hear him speak. His words scratch open my wounds. "He was just there." his words ignite the embers in me. I grab his hands. The hands that touched another. Gave themselves to them.

A storm sweeps out of me, "So he was there. He was just there. Where was he? Was he in bed with you? Was he touching you? Tell me. Tell me everything. I want to know." His silence at my plea drives me mad and I feel their sleepless night strangling me.

With my eyes closed, I watch Yu cross the distance between them. See him lick across his lips. His tongue seeking his shelter. I see Yu's tender kisses on his face. See their closeness. Their love.

The lump in my throat trembles with each image tearing me apart. My Yu. He's all mine. I want only you.

And you were his.

"Your night. He said our night. A sleepless night," it rages out of me.

My eagerness seeks what creates suffering.

I sigh and groan.

I rage and fury.

I howl in pain. I whimper and grovel. I am driven by my self-inflicted desolation.

Running around. Surrounded by destruction. Of shared memories now overplayed and dominated by his night. His sleepless night.

No tears in the world ease the burden on my heart.

Only Yu.

Only Yu's voice.

He speaks to me. Stirs for me the balm of my wounds.

I listen to the sound of his brave voice.

I listen to his explanations. His sad explanations.

And I regret. I repent.

His voice breaks, catches,

trembles, sweeps

And finally surrenders.

"And shall I tell you something?" my Yu's voice stops,

"Nothing.

Nothing helped.

Nothing could comfort me.

Nothing took away my agony.

I had crossed a line and made a mistake.

I fell in love with you and I fell."

And I land on the floor at his words. I notice the devastation of my storm around me. A mute hope surrounds me.

My Yu and I stand face to face.

He quivers and directs his disappointment at me.

"You did not come. I have longed for you. And you didn't come. Because you were with HER. Because you were by HER. For days. In a spa hotel. With HER. By HER side!"

My heart stops. I confess to my past. Detach myself. And listen to my Yu breaking free. Let his words choke me:

"Yes, he touched me. I was in his arms. He patted my head. He sang to me. Searched for soothing words. Dried my tears.

Yes, Sam, all night long. Until the sun showed us his tear-soaked clothes."

His tears dance wildly to our song as he speaks his loudly sweet words to me:

"Yes, I listened to my heart and went to the island. Hoping to have you with me. To confess my feelings to you. To make you feel everything. To give myself to you. To be yours, Sam. Risking everything to be yours."

The sounds floating from him embed me and lull me into bliss.

He reaches out to my soul and releases me from my captivity.

Yu turns his back on me and leaves.

Without leaving me behind. Without demand. Without regret.

The sound of reparation sings within me.

I follow my Yu.