"I'll tell you what I remember."

The enderwalk.

TRIGGER WARNING: torture, graphic depictions of violence, derealization/dissociation, adult language (swear words), crying.

"Actually, since I'm making a chronological account of things, I have to note that the Red Banquet was nearly a month away. I didn't know that, of course, I had no contact with the outside world. I'm just fast forwarding to it because none of the days between the time I blacked out and the Red Banquet were, truly, of note. Quackity came in everyday, but during that time, he didn't come up with anything too unbearable, at least considering what he had already done.

During that month, I realized that things could still go in my favor. I hadn't revealed the book's secrets to Quackity, so I still had the thing that assured that no one would kill me."

— For some reason you guys still really wanted that one back. – I nodded over to Wilbur. Phil motioned to step in between us, but Wilbur raised a hand, signaling him to stop.

— Wait, they wanted me?

— No, Wilbur, we didn't. – Tommy responded. Just what I wanted. – Dream is lying, as always. – He shifted his gaze from Wilbur to me, narrowing his eyes. Rare are the times I wish people could my face. This was one of them. – You were too deranged, you know that. - I could feel Phil swallowing hard, trying to keep his composure. – What we did want was a way for death to not be permanent, as Dream put it.

— Fair enough. – Wilbur said, but what he meant was very different. I know what he meant, and I know how it feels: can't believe I tried so hard to pretend I cared for this kid. Wouldn't have done it if I knew it wouldn't land me anywhere.

"Lie, or not, the fact is: they wouldn't kill me as long as I was the only one with knowledge on the book. I also still had Technoblade's favor to cash in. That, along with the pump of lucidness I had after I blacked out, gave me the will to keep fighting. When Quackity came, I was as obedient and passive as a puppy, and just did my best to move my mind away from what was happening.

I thought of George, I planned revenges, I imagined myself killing Quackity; in other words, I daydreamed, to try and escape actually feeling the whole thing. And it thankfully worked. Sometimes I couldn't, sometimes there would be a snap of something extra terrible Quackity did, most of the times having to do with lava, the crying obsidian, or some really particularly nasty thing he said, and those would bring me back.

And that is how I know it was all inconceivably horrible. Because when I came back, it was absolutely agonizing. I can't even describe it. I'll be honest, I do not like you guys, and I do no give a shit about what people do to you, but those snaps were where I learned the meaning of 'I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy'.

Weeks went by like that, but at some point, I noticed that Quackity was spending way less time than usual in my cell. That was about a week before the Red Banquet. I asked him why all the rush. After all, I had been pretty submissive, so I didn't think it would hurt his pride to address him the word. Thankfully, it didn't, and he gladly answered me that he was preparing to wreck an event, a banquet. I wished him good luck and he laughed, saying: 'Don't try to be nice to me'. I never did it again.

And so, now I knew of a the imminence of a big event, and I had somewhat of a break from the torture, given that Quackity was too busy to take his time and make it too bad. I took that time to try to relax and heal. I even made a game of counting the scars I had gained from Quackity, but since I didn't have anything to write on, I lost count many times. Some days into that new routine, I felt something different. Different, but not new."