Winter Is Here // Game Of Thrones

Painful(Jaime POV)

"What is happening to you, Jaime?", asked father, making me stop dead in my tracks. "If you do not get yourself under control, I will not be able to protect you forever".

"Respectfully, father. I do not need your protection. I can manage just fine on my own", I bit back and walked away.

I began descending down the stairs, then I heard rapid footsteps behind me, and I knew it was Tyrion.

"Well that was a first", he began with a small smile but it disappeared when he saw my expression.

"She may be dead, Tyrion", I began, the pain very clear in my voice. "I send her to her brother, I broke her heart so she could be safe with her brother". I began and clenched my hand tightly. I could barely contain the anger. Anger at everyone, at my family, but most of all at myself.

"And now her brother, and mother are dead. Most of her family is dead. There is only two more of her siblings left, one is at the wall the other is a Lannister", I seethed.

"Jaime you have got to calm down, I have never seen you this mad-", began Tyrion but I breathed in sharply.

"The love of my life could be dead. I send her to her imminent death, thinking that it was her rescue. I may have killed her. Do not tell me to calm down", I sneered and Tyrion's eyes widened a little. 

He has never seen me like this. I have never been like this. I just felt like a part of me was ripped from me when I broke Audelia's heart. Ripped away, forever. And no matter what I did, no matter where I was, nothing could leave the big hole she left behind. Now I understood why Robert Baratheon was the way he was after Lyanna's death. I could understand it very well. I was beginning to slip down that same slope. I have been drinking way more than I have used to. At least three goblets of wine with every meal. And the only way for me to be able to fall asleep without thinking of Audelia was if I was passed out drunk. It was the only way for me to get some shut eye.

"Jaime-", began Tyrion as we entered his quarters. I immediately went to the wine, pouring myself a glass, gulping it down, pouring another, and then finishing it completely too. I was about to pour myself a third but Tyrion stopped me.

"Jaime, you are breaking", he said, finally realizing how bad it really was.

"What was your first clue?", I ask sarcastically, reaching for the wine but he pulled it away further.

"You need to pull yourself together", whispered Tyrion harshly and I rolled my eyes.

"You are not helping anyone, especially yourself or Audelia if you become like the old drunk Robert. Get a grip of yourself", continued Tyrion and I just looked at the ground.

"I can't", I finally uttered, looking up at him. "I am so.... tired".

"We all are", said Tyrion. "But you don't see me let myself go".

I looked out of the window, at the beautiful sunny day outside. How dare the gods send such beautiful weather. How dare they? Audelia may be dead, and they are mocking me with the bloody weather.

Tyrion followed my gaze outside. I sighed deeply. What would it feel like to jump out of that window right now? Just let myself go, forget about everything and everybody, and just end it?

"Jaime, no", whispered Tyrion, as if reading my mind.

"Give me a reason not to", I begged him.

"Live for Audelia", he began to beg. "She may be alive for all we know. She may still love you. Imagine how hopeless she would feel if she heard you were dead. Don't do that to her. Don't do that to me. Please".

I looked at him, no longer able to conceal my tears. Tyrion looked at me sympathetically. He has never seen me this broken, not even after I killed the Mad King, or when Cercei was married off to Robert. I was truly broken now.

All my dead enemies must be loving to watch me now.

"Jaime...", continued Tyrion as a tear slipped my eye.

"Get yourself together. Stop drinking. And go find your love", continued Tyrion and I shook my head.

"She wouldn't want to see me. Not after what I did. I don't doubt Robb and her mother told her what I did to Bran, what I did in captivity trying to escape. She accepted me even though I had three bastards, and slept with my sister. Even though my family cut off her father's head. She would never accept me now that her brother and mother are dead, and she knows I crippled her brother".

"I don't think you give her enough credit. She is a strong woman. She is forgiving, and smart. She is alive, I know it. She is too strong to die".

"She may be the strongest person I know, but she isn't invincible, Tyrion", I whisper, looking up at him.

"She has lost too much, and gained nothing in return", I continue, playing with my golden hand. 

"And so have you", added Tyrion, making me look up at him.

"Maybe what you need is to gain each other".

"A Wolf and a Lion don't mix", I laughed sadly. "She deserves someone strong, gentle and brave. Someone honorable. Someone who would never break her heart".

"Then become that person", pushed Tyrion.

"Be strong, gentle and brave. Honorable and someone who would never break her heart. Become that man. Not tomorrow, not in a week, not in a year. Now. Now Jaime. After you slept off your hangover of course", said Tyrion and I chuckled at the last part.

Tyrion was right.

I couldn't break apart. I had to live.

For Audelia.