Outcast

Part 1

This is my first ever story so I hope it's okay and you enjoy
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Y'know sometimes I wonder what it would be like to feel love. The rush of happiness when you see their face. The butterfly feeling on a first date or when you hear them laugh. The first kiss... But no. I never feel like that. I've tried but I don't really find people attractive. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying everyone is ugly. I've seen some beautiful people in my life but they just don't attract me. And it's been this way all my life. So for about 17 years.

"Congratulations!! It's a baby girl!!" Well, that didn't last long. All my life I felt different from all the other girls. I didn't like makeup; I didn't want to wear dresses and always wanted to dress as androgynous as possible. Huh, I guess there was a reason for that. My mum just thought I was going through my tomboy phase and my dad was just happy he had someone to play football with or help him build something. I used to love those times because for me; it meant more than that. It was my way of expressing my masculine side without having to out myself. It's hard sometimes. Pretending to be someone you're not. It's tiring. But at the same time, it's the main reason I don't sleep at night. Anxiety and self-hatred are a bitch.

I guess I should start at the very beginning. The day my life changed. I was born on the 11th of July 2007, and unfortunately, I was born a girl. Scarlett Jane Blackwell. Ew, even writing that makes me cringe. I wish I could just find my birth certificate and rip it to shreds. Erase that name from existence. I've always hated my name but my mother loved it. Jane was my sister's name. She died in a car accident before I was born. She was only 12. My mum wanted to honour her, I guess. And as much as I love my sister (even if I've never met her), I hate the name for myself. It's too 'girly' and that's just not me. So, I renamed myself. I did that when I was quite young actually, maybe 10 or 11. Okay, I know what you're thinking, "How did you not realise you're some flavour of trans?!" And to answer that, I didn't know what trans was. My family are very very Christian. Anything that is seen as being 'against the bible' is instantly sinful and.... punishable.