Unchartered Waters ✅

Chapter 18: The Initial Feelings

"Of course," he replies which didn't surprise me one bit.

"You came to me searching for love because you were lonely. You kept telling me you wouldn't regret it. Is that what you're doing, trying to convince me another way?"It felt like a slap in the face to our honesty and relationship – if that's what you call it right now, but I kept having flashbacks to that night.

"Seriously?" Yep, I have screwed everything up. If I believed I had a chance, there it goes....

"I'm just askin-"

"Are you fucking kidding me, Alex? I thought after everything you'd understand." Isn't that why I am asking the question to begin with – because I understand the pain that he is dealing with, and know what it's like to be there?

"I do, but there's certain things I will not allow myself to do." In truthfulness, I would probably fully enjoy it and it'd fulfill this weird need that I felt I needed to. However, I knew I may regret – scratch that, I probably wouldn't it. But what if he did? Yeah, we'll go with that reason.

"If you're not interested, then just tell me. Don't feed me this-" Okay, there's a line that he needed to understand because if I listened to my heart and dick right now, my hands would already be wrapped around him.

"I didn't say that! I meant just fulfilling some need." I almost bit my tongue again, but it was something to be asked. That's why I kept thinking about the other night and regrets, right?

"I've been played before. I know what it feels like. Do you really seriously think I'd do that to you, especially after everything?" There was a saying that fit right now – something about not thinking clearly when you were in pain or angry. Isn't that normally how it goes in those romance movies? They sleep together and say it's okay, but then regret it later when they realize they did it to mask other feelings.

"Probably not, but I can't help but wonder," considering I still didn't know where he fully stood with regards to me, Ryan, and Isabelle. Sure, we've talked about it. They broke up, and he was a mix of emotions. But where was he right now on that trail, and how did that connect to tonight?

"Is this what it's going to be like forever? You always questioning whether I mean it, or whether it's just because of Ryan? If that's the case, let me know now so I can save my breath." This is absolutely not what I wanted. I wanted to establish a line of what I'd do and not do, ensuring I protected both of our hearts along the way, but not create distance that could not be overcome. Damn it! I didn't want to lose him!

"Chase, I didn't mean it like that..." I hope he forgave me. It wasn't like I did anything absolutely wrong – or did I? Damn it, Alex! Why do you got to mess up everything all the time?

"You know, there's a side to me that nobody knows – nobody would ever guess. A side that loves very passionately..." He was still sharing his inner secrets and feelings. That had to be mean something, right? The door wasn't totally shut and I wasn't about to give him an opportunity to do so.

"I want to get to know that side of you," and trust me, I am willing to beg if necessary.

"I want you too, as well." Compared to the stories before, random requests, that felt genuine as we locked eyes in that moment. It's like we could see through each other, know every feeling, and know a future could easily be there for us. Maybe I should've just kept my mouth shut at the beginning and listened to my damn heart.

"Will you let me in then?" I almost didn't say it – my brain once again questioning motives, feelings, nothing being natural about what was going on here. However, there was no way I was going to take it back once it was out there.

"I don't know if I can do that."

Then why did you damn well offer the story, open the door to something? He accused me of toying with him, but it feels like he's doing the same damn thing in return.

"You can only wear your heart on your sleeve, show all your cards so many times, and get your heart stomped on so many times, before you stop believing...."

I had said those words initially out of fear of trying to erase or ease feelings, when in return, he was bearing everything, showing how much he cared about me, and how he appreciated me being here.

Instead of accepting the open door, I had slammed it shut quicker in his face than anyone could imagine. Now, was there any way to get him to unlock those locks one more time?

"I wish you could show me," I tell him, allowing myself to look into his eyes. I had to allow him another glimpse into me. I had to allow him to see that I was being genuine, meant every word, and wanted this as badly as he did. "I want to know that side of you, and I can promise you that I'll cherish it – and won't take advantage of you, ever, Chase."