empty spaces ~ armin x reader

chapter three // gas over the flame

"I'll talk to him."

I tread in the direction Armin left. The aircraft hadn't left the ground yet, so I stuck my head out of a doorway and surveyed the platform. Nobody was out there right then, they were most likely preparing for takeoff. The further I looked, the more I could see the colors of the cliffside blend together in the sizzling heat. The ocean looked so tempting.

"Thinking about making a run for it, y/n?"

I turned my gaze and saw Levi leaning against the side of the airship with his arms crossed.

"I'm looking for-"

"Check the engine room."

I stared at him for a second, wondering if he saw Armin's outburst or heard about it. Erwin always held Armin on such a high pedestal. He believed that Armin could sway the chances of survival. Levi, I could tell, believed it too.

"What?" Levi snapped. "Do you need me to hold your hand and walk you to him? Go fetch him, brat."

"I- uh... thanks!" I said, a little startled.

I started walking towards the rear end of the aircraft, but I couldn't be patient any longer. I needed to see Armin.

Armin Arlert.

I picked up the pace and ran. I turned corners quickly, being cautious not to bump into anything or anyone. I found the engine room door and immediately swung it open. I shuffled in and slammed it behind me. The engine room was completely empty. The room was dimly lit. Orange shadows bounced against the walls and pipes. I explored further and observed the engine. It left a resounding roar but did nothing to silence the blood pounding in my ears.

"Armin?" I called out.

My eyes caught on sandy blonde hair peeking out from under a larger pipe. I went closer and saw Armin sitting beneath a pipe, wrapping pale bandages around his fist.

"Y/n-" he whispered right as I crushed him.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and fell sideways into his lap. Armin made a sound of surprise, but I didn't let go. After a little bit, he lifted his arms to embrace me back. One hand was placed at the small of my back, and the bandaged fists wound their way in my hair. His cheek pressed into my neck. We stayed close for several minutes, neither of us wanted to make the first move to let go. There was a specific reassurance in the way he held me.

I needed to figure out what was bothering him. That was what I was there for after all.

"Armin," I began, extracting my arms from his body and pulling myself back so his face was no longer burrowed between my neck and my shoulder. "What is hurting you?"

He sighed and leaned his head back so his face is parallel to the top of the pipe. I scooted myself backward so my back was pressed firmly to the metal equipment behind me. My knees knocked against Armin's. There wasn't much space between us; however, he still managed to look anywhere but at me.

"The ability to shift into a titan isn't this great thing everyone makes it out to be. It's just a way to separate you further from the things you love." He averts his gaze towards me. "It fills your mind with thoughts that aren't your own. My body is a weapon and my mind is a tool to push us further into this mess."

It made sense at that moment.

"I can't save everyone."

Eren. He abandoned all of us, but more than that he left his best friend behind. Armin had to pick up the fractured pieces left in his absence. The attention, an unwanted spotlight, constantly directed towards how much Armin had to do to succeed and how many lives were at stake.

"I need people to stop looking at me like I'm the one who took Erwin's place. Like I'm the one who can bring a beginning and an end to the war."

I collected myself as I prepared my next words for him. "Eren wouldn't have handed this mission over to you if he didn't think you could handle it. Erwin wouldn't have left you with this fate if he thought you were inadequate. He knew you would do great things."   

His fingers play with the ends of his bandage, unwrapping it and wrapping it even tighter.

"I don't know if we're saving humanity or digging it an even bigger grave-" he began.

"So you're going to give up now?" I interrupted. I felt myself beginning to lose that tight grip of control over my emotions.

"No, but I'm questioning our goals and the benefits of the titan shifters."

I clenched my fist. "Our goal is to achieve freedom. Or would you prefer to be stuck in a closet all of your life?" I pushed, too wound up to wonder if I had taken things too far.

"That's unusual coming from you since your actions reflect that you do the exact same thing," he shot back.

"What the hell are you going on about, Arlert-"

"You prefer to hide than let everyone know how fucked up you really feel. You hate feeling like a burden. You bottle everything up convincing yourself you can handle it on your own. Your lack of dependency really goes to show the trust issues you have but won't admit to yourself," he explained honestly, his mouth moving fervently in a way I always loved.

His words cut through my skin and made my body feel like it was bleeding out.

Armin stood up abruptly and went to leave the room. Somewhere in my scrambled brain, I got the urge to stop him.

"Don't." I ran towards him and grabbed his wrist.

He spun around to face me and ducked his head. "I apologize that was-"

"Stop it, Armin. I don't want you to leave this room thinking I can be another problem for you to pull apart and ponder about. I'm sick of you always trying to figure me out. You don't even want me, so it doesn't matter how much you know about me because as soon as this is over we'll stop talking again."

I honestly couldn't hide it from him anymore. I knew from the beginning that he didn't want me the way I wanted him. We were friends, that was all we could ever be, and eventually, we would drift apart.

It pained me so much because he had no idea how much someone actually loved him. I couldn't tell him so I tried my best to be his friend while hiding my emotions. He finally knew. He knew I thought it was pointless to share it with him because he wouldn't feel the same.

"Who said I don't want you, y/n?"

His expression was soft and gentle, trying to convey words both of us were too afraid to admit. His hand rose to my cheek and his fingers brushed the hair behind my ears.

"I don't want us dancing around each other not knowing what to say," I finally admitted.

His fingers stroked my cheek softly.

"I don't want you hiding those secrets from me, please," he pleaded.

The string between us snapped. I collapsed into him like a dying star, my knees were unable to hold me upright. He quickly gripped my arms as he became the only thing keeping me from totally unraveling.

"WOAH! Are you okay?" he asked, looking very concerned. His face drew close. I could see the varying shades of blue in his eyes and smell the taste of his lips.

I didn't respond as I shocked myself and kissed him. His eyes were open wide as  I closed mine, kissing him softly for a moment. Every anxious thought in my mind melted away as I stayed there with my lips pressed against his. My lips moved slowly against his frozen, partly opened ones. He let out a breath and I took it, feeling electrified by the fact that I was kissing my best friend. I pulled away and stood up straighter to look at him.

"I'm going to be like Eren and place all I have to bet on you, Armin."