BLACK SHEEP | DW

042.

"maybe home is nothing but two arms holding you tight when you're at your worst."
-yara bashraheel

she didn't hear his words. his voice only reverberated against her ears, but never penetrated into her brain.

her blood rose, trying to stuff her fingers in her ears in some pathetic attempt to concentrate on her own thoughts.

but he pulled her hand away from her head, and she gives it to him without thinking. for a second, he holds it, thumb moving over her wounded knuckles.

"don't start crying on me," he said, in his usual flippant attitude. but he searched, beyond her eyes and vacant expression, he searched. he wanted her to say something— the silence was killing him.

but, it was already far too loud in her head, never mind buck's noisy bar and Dally's strong voice that intruded her every thought. "seriously, murph, are you all right?" he seemed almost annoyed with her absence.

of course, she was there, but she wasn't really there. she was hallowed out, like her soul had left her body and she was just a corpse sitting on his bed.

he had never seen her blow up like that. like everything she had been keeping inside displayed itself all over tim's bloodied face. Dally couldn't stop her, and he wouldn't dare tear her off of tim until she knocked him unconscious. mentally, he took note to never piss her off again.

"all right?" she finally spoke, scoffing, like she didn't believe he was actually asking her that. "which part of me seems all right to you, Dallas? the part where i broke tim's nose, or the part where i can't feel the left side of my face?"

silence. her question was only met with silence from Dally, as he rubbed his side uncomfortably and sat next to her on the bed. the two were shoulder to shoulder— just existing in the presence of one another.

she could her the melodic tunes from downstairs, and every now and then a cheer of delight. that was before Dally started laughing— "you messed him up good, kid," he commented, ruffling her hair. "didn't think you had that in you."

"there's a lot you don't know about me..." she started. and maybe, if she continued that thought, things would turn out differently. maybe if she were transparent with him, her whole life would change. but she didn't. she was too scared.

her heart was so heavy she could almost feel her ribs splinter under the sheer weight of it all. her voice was all mangled in her throat, and for the first time, in a long time, she didn't know what to say.

stealing a small glance at his hardened features, venus tilted her head. "when—" she started abruptly. "when you were in jail, you thought you were alone?" she asked him.

he was taken back by her suddenness, by the question, by the way she stared at him so intently, almost as if she could see right through him. "what?" he scoffed. "what do you mean? of course i was alone. what else did you expect me to think?"

"i guess you're right," she validated, but continued, "you weren't though."

"weren't what?"

taking a deep breath, venus quickly directed her stare to the door across the room. "alone," she clarified, looking elsewhere. "i think, you think you're always alone. and you like it that way. at least you like to believe that you like it that way. but, you can't stand me because i don't like to be alone."

for a moment, he took a fistful of the bedsheet as he digested her words, but she still carried on. "you get so mad at me, because you think helping people makes you weak. you don't like to be weak," she nodded, like she was verifying her own words. "but really, it's because you see some of yourself in me."

"what are you, my shrink?" he huffed at her, standing up, and walking across the room in an almost pace. "i think, that you think, you have everything figured out. that's the problem with you! you think you know everything, and that you can help everyone, and everyone will just love you, but in reality, they don't. no matter what you do for them."

intaking a sharp breath, venus nodded simply. it threw him off guard. he expected her to snap at him, maybe beat him up like she did to tim, but she only nodded. "i know that," she said softly.

"no. you... what?"

"i know that," she said again, tears beginning to brim her eyes as she stared directly at her feet. "that's why, every once and a while, it's nice to pretend i'm still loved. but i can't even have that, huh?"

when he didn't meet her eye, she stood up, storming right in front of him. like thunder her words roared, shaking him to his core. "my mom didn't even want me, Dallas," she scoffed. "those socs tried to jump me my first week here! every where i go there's always whispers— rumors about the freak. my own mom, Dallas!" she exasperated.

finally, he saw her. he really saw her. as the tears rushed down her bruised cheeks, mixing with the blood that had dried down her face, and she shook at the thought of standing any longer, he saw her.

"look, kid—"

"no," she tried to move past him to get to the door. she wanted to go home, to curl up in bed like she always had when things got hard, and she wanted to never see his face again.

grabbing a hold of her arms, he pulled her back, making her face him. "i'm trying to talk to you!" he sounded helpless. like the one time he was ready to be heard, was the one time venus wouldn't listen.

"you don't get to do that!" she finally broke. "you don't get to pretend to care one moment, and then chastise me the next! you don't get to—"

he cut her off by pressing his lips against hers.

he hadn't thought before he did it, only letting himself cave to the one desire he never realized he carried around with him everywhere. it made sense for him.

the feeling that built up in the root of his stomach, the pressure in his heart, the thoughts that don't end— they were supposed to be because of her.

he chose to admire her in silence for so long, because in silence, there was no rejection. in silence, no one had her but him.

but now it was real. now she kisses back.

her lips tasted like newport cigarettes and spearmint, and the way they moved together was not gracious, or practiced. they fumbled at first, and laughed together as their lips were still grazing each other.

venus reached up, placing a hand on his chest, catching his collarbone like her hand was made to be there. his knuckles grazed the cut on her eyebrow, before he tangled his fingers in her hair, backing her up to the wall.

when they were finally breathless, they placed their foreheads together, just staring into each other's eyes. venus wondered if now would be a good time to mention that this was her first kiss, but bit her tongue at the humored thought.

once his other hand snaked up under the hem of her shirt, planting itself on her stomach, she felt herself shiver at the cold touch. "is that your way of saying sorry?" she joked, not able to break her gaze.

"that's my way of saying, i li—"

"Dal!" a knocking sounded on the door. "some kids here to see you. ponyboy and johnny, said their names was," buck yelled again.

Dally pushed himself away from the wall, "shit," he muttered under his breath, and then ran a hand through his disheveled hair.

"come on, let's see what they want."