The world, coming down

PR Nightmare ~ December 2013

To start with, Dec held on like he thought Stephen would try to pull away if he wasn't clinging to him so tightly. But then, slowly, the hands fisted in the material of Stephen's shirt relaxed, sending creases of fabric unfurling across his back. That didn't mean he felt better though; at first the only sign was the slight movement of his shoulders, before Stephen felt something wet reach his skin through his shirt.

"What's going on, Deccy?" he asked gently, rubbing a hand over the shorter man's back. Dec's breath hitched briefly, like he'd only just remembered Stephen was still there. That brief release in tension, a sobbing motion, almost pushed Stephen's own fraying emotions over the edge but he continued to hang on by his fingertips, wanting to be there when Dec needed him.

"Bad day," he mumbled, barely decipherable as the words became embedded in Stephen's shirt. "Sorry."

Stephen hushed him under his breath, resting his chin on the crown of Dec's head and continuing all the little things he thought might help; a hand in his hair, the other on his back. "Do you want to tell me about it or just try and think about something else?"

"They want me to get a girlfriend," Dec ground out, a flash of anger doused by another shudder that wracked his body. "Said it looked obvious. They used to be subtle about it..."

"You had a meeting today?" Stephen guessed, slightly confused by Dec's unclear explanation.

"PR," Dec muttered darkly. "At this point they basically get paid to imply I'm gay whilst never outright saying it." He shook his head against Stephen's shirt. "It makes me feel so bad. Like I'm meant to be hiding or something. Just the way they look at me and say stuff – like they don't even want to say it out loud in case it's true because that's suddenly the worst thing in the world."

Stephen closed his eyes and swallowed hard. He was already frustrated with his own reaction, the voice in the back of his head that said they had a point. They didn't; there was nothing wrong with it; he just didn't know how to tell Dec that.

"I'm sorry," Dec mumbled, somehow managing to make Stephen feel worse. "Probably not what you need to hear right now."

"Forget about that," Stephen said dismissively, pushing the thoughts themselves just as firmly out of his mind. He started to berate himself for wanting a distraction so badly. This wasn't what he'd had in mind. "What do you keep telling me?"

Dec sighed again, never removing his face from where it had pressed into Stephen's shoulder. His reply was hard to distinguish, muffled and unclear, but Stephen had heard it enough times to know exactly what he was saying. "There's nothing wrong with it. We're happy and no one should be allowed to ruin that for us. We're not the problem."

"We're not the problem," Stephen repeated firmly. He almost tried to pull away, to get a look at Dec's face, but the shorter man moved with him, still burying himself into his jumper. "They shouldn't even be saying things like that. It's unprofessional."

Dec laughed bitterly. "I don't know what else they're getting paid to do."

"What does Ant have to say about it all?" Stephen asked gently, slowly starting to steer them away from the black hole of internalised homophobia that they could both do with escaping from.

"He hates it," Dec murmured, sounding upset again. "He knows he can't step in and defend me 'cos it will look so obvious that I am – you know, actually gay. We both know the PR team can't turn around and accuse me of it – they might actually lose their jobs if they do that. But if we give them enough reason to be able to ask, what am I meant to say?"

Stephen couldn't imagine what would happen if they knew. Maybe they'd push Dec to come out, say it would be a good thing for their image after all. Or maybe not a good thing, but something that would get people talking. He was so scared of them using Dec as a tool to gain attention, he knew it would hurt the other man so much if that happened.