Longing •Bucky Barnes•

•Seven•

I felt Bucky's hand grab my own and I squeezed it tightly trying to take out my anxiety and panic there rather than flailing around and risking hurting myself more. I felt the cold metal arm touch my skin and my breathing hitched in my throat. I felt my eyes fill with tears as the arm cut into my skin.

My eyes focused on the florescent lights out of habit. When the only things to focus on were the torture devices, monsters hurting you, and the pain itself, the lights felt like the only peaceful thing to stare at. I felt a tear stream down my face and run into my hairline. I felt Bucky tighten his hand as if he saw and I just squeezed it back trying to hold in all the screams and tension I was holding in.

"I can stop Val." I heard Tony say and I could hear the uncertainty in his voice.

"Don't." I said hardly able to get my words out. "Do it."

The arm kept moving and I was hardly starting to feel any pain. I was hurt more so by the sight of the arm than anything else. The memories hurt more than literally having myself cut open. Other than a little warmth where the bone had fractured I felt nothing but fear. Yet, that's what killed me the very most.

I felt my bone shift back into place and the layer of skin that had been pulled back be placed back down. I felt more tears fall down my face and I wanted to close my eyes so badly, but my survival instincts wouldn't let me blind myself from this. I let out a small noise of discomfort and pinched my eyes shut.

"You can sit up Val." I heard Tony say and I looked down to see the arm retracting.

I looked to Bucky and he helped sit me up on my own. I looked around the room and all the equipment that had been around before was gone. My ribs felt considerably better, but I quickly wiped away the tears for fear Tony would see him.

"You know Fury would be furious if he knew you were here, matter of fact how did you even get out without setting off the alarms?" He asked us.

"You live somewhere long enough you find all the nooks and crannies." Bucky said shrugging.

"He paid off the doorman." I said in almost a mumble, tucking my knees into my chest protectively.

"Thanks." He said bitterly.

"I have to ask Val." Tony said cautiously looking down at his feet obviously aware he was pushing a boundary.

"No, I remember nothing." I said looking down at the table.

"What is there to do Bucky?" He asked and Bucky looked frustrated.

"Time Tony, just because I forgot too doesn't mean I have all the answers to fix this." He said shaking his head. "I was gone for 70 years, she was only gone for 5, but the serum and techniques they use are not the same. It's an equation with too many unknown variables. You're a math person you've at least got to understand that much."

"I know you said they don't help, but what about pictures or videos. They at least make me feel like I used to belong here, even if the memories don't come back on their own." I said rubbing my temples.

"I tried. Trust me. It's a sort of willingness. I don't know, the more memories came back the more they hurt. There was nothing I could do to make myself want to remember because every time I did I got hurt." He said sounding confused with even his own words.

"I'm more than willing, I'm desperate here." I said shaking my head.

"I don't know what to tell you, that's what it was for me. I can't tell you what it is for you." He said turning away and I looked to Tony who looked disappointed himself.

"I just want this more than anything. The closer I can get to being who I was before the better off I am because I can't stand being this weak person. I was better than this before, but I can't even remember it. I can't stand being like this!" I said loosing control on the end of my sentence.