VIOLENT DELIGHTS, aaron hotchner

living worthy

The rest of the drive is quiet, along the empty country highway after everyone's gone home for the day. After parking in front of the ER and checking in with the front desk, Juliette excuses herself to a bathroom.

Thankful it's empty, she leans against the sink and finally allows tears to stream down her face. She thinks Spencer has to be okay, because he's too young, he's too smart. Then, in a horribly selfish moment, she believes he has to be okay because she can't lose anyone else.

It might be her breaking point if Spencer dies, because she's not sure she can handle the grief of this job anymore.

But she reminds herself he's still alive, still fighting. She washes the blood from her hands, changing into an FBI sweatshirt and splashing cold water on her face before leaving.

She finds Blake in the waiting room, staring at the floor with a bag of Spencer's things in her lap. Juliette sits in the chair next to her, asking, "Any word?"

She shakes her head, "Nothing yet."

They sit in silence for awhile, Juliette shaking her leg and tearing off her cuticles while Blake's just still. Oddly still.

It's jolting for Juliette to remember just moments ago when she saw Spencer on the concrete, Blake begging for him to keep his eyes open, but it reminds of her of that name. Against her better judgement, she asks, "Who's Ethan?"

Blake finally looks up, her eyes widening then softening. She wraps her arms tighter around the bag, "My son. He... uh— he died when he was nine."

Juliette feels the blood leave her face, thinking back to how similar him and Spencer must be for her to say his name, how similar that moment must have been for her.

"You know that feeling..." Juliette starts in almost a whisper, hoping she can speak without thinking too hard about her words. "That feeling when you realize someone is gone... and it feels like your entire world has fallen apart."

Blake nods, "I knew it was coming, but... I wasn't ready to say goodbye to Ethan. I just wanted him to keep his eyes open. I just—"

When her voice cracks, Juliette holds out her hand for her to grasp. They don't make eye contact, pretending the floor is the most interesting sight while they blink back tears.

"I didn't feel that." Juliette says after a moment. "Today, I didn't feel helpless, there wasn't th— that chill. Spencer, he's going to be alright."

They sit in silence for another minute, but JJ rushes into the waiting room before they can say anything else. "Anything yet?"

Juliette shakes her head this time, "No."

She sits in a seat across from the woman, and if notices them holding hands, she doesn't say anything. JJ makes it five minutes before walking to the nurse's station, only to learn he's still in surgery.

One long hour passes, with no distractions other than the occasional janitor or nurse passing the waiting room. Just when Juliette's about to burst from anxiety, Penelope shuffles into the room with a packed tote.

JJ stands to greet her with a hug, while the others just smile. "How is he?" She asks once they've separated.

"Still in surgery."

Sitting down, she smiles bittersweetly, "Cruz heard about Coleman, turns out we're not the only ones with a private jet."

The girls only have a chance to nod before a nurse strides in from the ER, "You can all see Agent Morgan now."

JJ and Penelope stand, but Juliette doesn't release from Blake's grip, "We're going to wait here, if that's alright."

JJ nods with understanding, "Call us the second you hear anything."