My Sunflower 🌻

Life isn't always beautiful

Why does society beauty standard comprise of words like slim and fair but not words like healthy and pleasant. I relate to the latter.

Forces us to hide in the fog. Often I find myself being subjective to the harsh discrimination of this dated school of thoughts. Hoping to find answers to my questions.

First to conform with the norm, we are always justifying desperation to loose weight or look a certain way. All this ,for what? For being attractive for being seen, for a little love but at end of the day.

I can somehow feel remorse for not being comfortable in my own skin, that definitely is a sad thought to sleep with . My mind wondered about things as I lay in bed lazily.

Being a Sunday morning I was going to sleep in but the smell of Vanilla that crept into my room woke me up. I jumped out of the bed, thinking to myself "Yes! Pancakes! better rush before my Brother finishes them off".

I made my bed got done with my morning routine. Got changed into an fresh pair of clothes and out of an oversized T-shirt that I wear to sleep, which has always bothered my mother as she keep bugging me, so that I wear something 'decent' appropriate for when I go off to college.

Which I was soon supposed to be.

I heard my mom shout. I worked into the kitchen, wished for a good morning only to be responded by a "hmmm" from my busy mother. As I helped her with plates and the honey. I felt the coldness in the air. Dad and my Brother were already seated around the dining table waiting for us to join.

Once we all were together, began eating our breakfast. Out of nowhere my mother asked me coldly "when do you go off to college"?

"I leave tomorrow, but why"? I asked ; trying to read her face but nothing. She did not lift her head from her place as she continued with the pancakes.

She just said roughly "go as soon as possible I don't want you here anymore, one more thing you don't have to come home every weekend. Focus on studies. I don't think you are going to have friends because of your appearance but still try I guess". I gave a nod.

As I was very hurt. I tried to gulp my tears down just like I always did. I went to my room after doing my dish. Dad and brother were always angry with mom because of her behavior towards me.

I shushed them everytime, mom is not very healthy at heart so I avoided controversy.

This is very usual to me. From the very start of my life, doesn't matter if she is my own mother who gave me birth. But she acts like I'm nothing to her. My brother Kim Namjoon and dad were nothing like her they cherished me a lot.

I remember my dad once said "Y/N you are the best thing in my life. I know things can sometimes get hard but I have my full faith on the girl I'm raising, will handle it with care and never give up".

I've always thought that if dad trusts me so much, I should keep my hopes up for my upcoming life. Dad and Brahms were never unsatisfied with my appearance like my mom.

When it comes to Mom, we were never on same page. My mom thinks I should lose weight so that I can fit in. But honestly, I don't want to fit in.

From the very first I was not that into dressing up and doing makeup before going out. It makes mom irritated. She wants to send me away. I will miss mom, dad and Brahms when I leave for college.

Mom is just so different towards Brahms. why? Because he is handsome, has a good body, was popular among girls.

I'm a bit jealous of him because of the love he receives from mom. Now that little affection from mom was like a dream to me. Maybe one day!