FINDING ME - FIXING YOU SEQUEL

01

Basically anyone here that doesn't have some kind of degree or PHD is a former addict.

These days Rachel gets high on life, her very own words, which I believe are a quite triggering set of words however she got the opportunity to become a group leader. She does seem to truly cherishes the title though.

During my time spent here I have learned that you have to achieve many goals, overcome many obstacles, and truly earn your title if you want to be a group leader. You have to be someone that someone else can truly look up to.

I don't have any desire to become a group leader here at The Santucary. I need to stay here and continue working on my recovery until I feel good enough to leave. I simply desire to live a happy, healthy sober life. I plan to start a new life for myself when my time here is up. I must. There's nothing left for me in the past.

Eventually another group meeting was over. After giving ourselves and each other a round of applause for making it through another day- Rachel's words again. Everyone went on their way. I went back to my room and plopped down on the bed. The sound of the rusty metal springs being pressed down filled the room and then silence took over.

The silence used to bother me at first. I swore that if I couldn't hear the sounds of the busy city then I couldn't sleep at night.

The sanctuary has taught me to just enjoy the silence while it last. I've learned how to enjoy being alone again. How not to hate it, not to need someone or something to be okay. I'm learning how to just simply exist again.

"This is a perfect time to journal." I thought out loud to myself. I'm lost in my thoughts anyways. I grabbed a paper and purple notebook and started writing. That's another thing this place has taught me that really helps. I began to scribble down my thoughts.

Rachel tells us that even if it's one sentence, write what's on our mind. Get it out in the open. If it's negative, try to forget about it after you write it down. Turn the page or go do something else to get your mind off of it. If it's positive, manifest it. Speak it to the universe.

One day, I was struggling so desperately. I contemplated leaving The Sanctuary. After all I am a grown woman who couldn't be forced to stay after the seventy two hour hold. But that day Rachel suggested that I write a letter to myself. She said it didn't matter if it was to the old me or the future me. Either way, it was my decision.

I went in my dorm and I sat down with this same notebook. I had a different pen then. I run through the ink pretty quickly. I imagined writing to my past self first. I thought about how I would tell young Noah Jane everything that's happened. It would probably have scared the hell out of me and that's exactly what I needed. I was completely oblivious and that's how it all began.

I suppose my parents didn't warn me much about the drugs on the street or the ones with brown eyes and a heart beat after all. They never warned me about much of anything except that if I ate too much pasta I would get fat and never find a husband. But when I outgrew that chubby phase they told me I needed to eat more pasta.

That's when I moved to Miami.

Then I asked myself, after all of that, could I tell my younger self that I made it to The Sanctuary but I've decided to throw in the towel and leave? Because maybe I can't get better after all?

No way!

Deciding if I wanted to write the letter to the future me was a much easier, quicker decision. I knew that if I left then the future me wouldn't be around to read it.