FINDING ME - FIXING YOU SEQUEL

01

"And.. That's the last thing I remember before I woke up in the hospital." I finished telling my story to a crowd of seven other people who experienced some of the same things that I did in the past two years.

"What happened when you woke up?" Danny, one of the faces in the crowd asked. The wondering eyes in the room landed back on me standing in the middle of them all. I thought about how much I used to love attention. Now being in the spotlight makes me want to run and hide. It makes me so uncomfortable. Maybe that's because I used to block it all out when I was using. Now when someone asks me something simple I feel like their all in my business.

I pondered on Danny's question. He's one of the patients here at London's Sanctuary. He too is or was an alcoholic like myself. But he came to terms with it before I did and willingly was admitted. He always says during our group meetings that if he wouldn't have come here then he wouldn't be alive today.

The first time I heard him share that I wanted to roll my eyes. But over time I was able to admit to myself and the rest of the group that I felt the same way. That I was living in denial.

"When I woke up I was alone in the hospital room. I didn't want anyone to tell me what happened. I knew exactly what happened. I felt like I asked for it to. They told me I took five of the pain pills. That I nearly overdosed. If Bonnie and Edward didn't get to me quickly as they did, I don't know if I would be standing here today. I suppose by the grace of God or-"my voice broke in the middle of the sentence, "whoever's in charge of those things up there." Heads nodded in agreement as I went on. "I remember that the bright lights on the ceiling burned my eyes so I just kept them closed. I barely listened when the doctor's came in. I ignored every nurse that came in my room. I acted like it was everyone's fault I was there except my own."

"It's always easier to put the blame on somebody else," Danny mumbled while anxiously chewing on his finger nail. I agreed cringing.

"I spent four or five days in the hospital. I slept most of the time. I remember feeling like I hadn't slept in years." Some chuckled, recalling that exact feeling I felt. That feeling of knowing you aren't the only one dealing with something or who's been through something can help more than I ever thought. I thought that I could keep everything bundled up inside and one day I would wake up perfectly fine. But that wasn't ever going to happen.

Before I came here I had an entire different opinion on rehab but after almost five months of staying here and actually getting sober. I now know that this place saved my life in the same ways that it did Danny's and everyone else sitting in this room.

I knew that I was going to end up either here or dead. I left it up to the universe and it decided on sending me to rehab. I can't explain why I swallowed all those pills. It was the end of the road for me, a low breaking and turning point. I just wanted to stop feeling. What else can I say?

"When I was discharged I was told that my father had a flight waiting for me. I wasn't given any choice but to board it and come here. I was accompanied by four men on that flight. My father hired them to make sure I made it here safe and sound and they did it." I shrugged with nothing left to add and returned to my seat in the circle of chairs.

I haven't seen Edward since that night. We haven't spoken since either.

"I think you mean you did it." Rachel chirped in the happy tune she never fails to bring out during group meetings. I often wonder how she can be so positive without the help of drugs or alcohol but supposedly, she manages. Rachel used to be an addict however.