The world is still such a bright place

Chapter 18

Note: This chapter contains heavy content flashback, I have put a warning in the beginning and at the end of it, feel free to skip this part if you should be triggered by physical and sexual child abuse themes and/or rape

Wei Wuxian has not had the best time ever since he had started to attend the lectures again. He was having nightmares he would not remember once the morning came every single night which was making him very tired and even more nervous than usual.

Although there were no more panic attacks or near qi deviations, he was still extremely restless and jumpy. He tried to however conceal it as best as he could, he did not want to bring shame on the Gusu Lan sect for having such a useless and crippled disciple as a sect heir; he still did not think of himself as one, but Jin Zixuan made it more than clear that everyone else saw him like that.

He still could not believe he did not think about it before deciding to join the lectures. No one outside of the Gusu Lan sect had known about him and it would have surely been better if it had stayed like that. At this point it was however a little too late to try and conceal everything, all the guest disciples knew by now who he was, he could no longer pretend like he did not exist.

He was very surprised that after the initial disaster, he was already seeing some progress: "It is getting easier and easier with each passing day. Perhaps I have gotten used to the new routine and to having people around me? In the context of the lectures, I know what I should expect from them and that no one would approach me, uncle and Lan Zhan would not let them unless I agreed to it. This knowledge helps immensely; I feel safer this way.

Although saying I am alright would be a bit of a stretch. I am still too worked up most of the time, only imagining what could happen is keeping me on edge. Lan Zhan suggested to try and mingle a bit with the others, during meal times and such, but I cannot find it in me to agree to it. Everyone would then know about my condition... I am scared of how they could react.

The only one I have met with is Nie Huisang so far. He came to the Jingshi and we had a good time playing with the rabbits outside. He had found out about my condition last year, completely by accident, but he never actually brought it up. Such a good friend he is... I am somewhat ashamed of myself for not being able to really open up to him still; he deserves so much better from me. I would like to chat with him, his stories about other guest disciples and the happenings in the cultivation world are so interesting... But I cannot, my voice does just not come out at all when he is around."

Wei Wuxian was actually about to meet Nie Huisang again today after classes. He could not wait to hear the rest of the story about Jiang Wanyin, the Yunmeng Jiang sect heir and his supposedly angelic sister, Jiang Yanli. He would very much like to meet her, she seemed like such a gentle and kind person in Nie Huisang's stories, he supposed it would be fun to get to know her. That way, he would perhaps get another friend.

Excited, he only waited until he could not hear anyone but Lan Zhan around and immediately jumped to his feet. He did not even let his brother lead the way, he had already learned how to get from the lecture hall to the Jingshi on his own; although he still preferred to have Lan Zhan there with him, just in case they encountered someone.

In his hurry, he did not even notice that another presence appeared nearby until he run directly into someone. Since he did not expect to have his way barred, he lost his balance and fell unceremoniously onto his behind. Memories of people scolding him for bumping into them flooded his mind and he was having a hard time controlling his rising panic.

As if he was in a dream, he could feel that Lan Zhan was right by his side. His closeness helped a bit and he could one again breathe freely, although shallowly, his lungs burning from the lack of oxygen.

In seconds only, he had managed to calm down considerably; he was even almost certain he would be able to get up if he tried. He knew that Lan Zhan would help him if he let him know he needed it but he did not think he did. He should also probably apologize to the person he had run into.

He was already gathering himself when he felt a familiar and extremely unwelcomed warmth on his hand, someone was trying to grab him. He immediately scurried backwards, trying to protect himself. His current reality blurred for him and despite his best efforts, he plunged head first into a flashback of a situation which took place years ago.

*** Flashback start ***

Wei Wuxian was hiding in an entrance to a back alley, nursing his growling stomach and listening to the sounds of the street. He could smell heavenly aromas which made his tummy even more agitated. He concentrated hard in order to feel anything strange, and more importantly, checking for the presence of a particular man he really did not want to meet today.

He was not yet so hungry nor so weak he would welcome his assistance. And lately, even if he would be so desperate, he would not willingly seek him out. Even though he was always so sweet to him, giving him food and warm clothes to survive the harsh winter, it was always accompanied with horrible pain and fear.

He hated when that man did those terrible things to him. It always hurt unimaginably and left him bleeding, not able to as much as move, not talking about standing up and running if needed. More than once, he had been even robbed of the food he had been given by wild dogs or other hungry children living on the streets. If he was laying on someone's porch, he could also be kicked or beaten and would be completely defenceless.

He only dared to breathe out when he made sure that that man was nowhere near. Since he was inconvenienced in one area, his other senses were way sharper, he had also developed something which could be called a sixth sense. He could, he did not even know how, feel auras or energies of people. This way, he could often determine whether a person wanted to do him any harm. With this particular man however, it never worked too well.

His stomach growled again and Wei Wuxian decided he could not wait any longer. If he hesitated another moment, someone else would be faster than him and he would not get to eat again. He estimated that it had already been a few days since he had anything in his mouth for the last time. He could have sworn that if his eyes could, they would be blurry from just how hungry he was.

He could smell an irresistible aroma which he associated with freshly prepared meat buns. He knew that the stall keeper often left the buns on the side, where he would be easily able to get a hold of them if he was quick enough. This was a golden opportunity and he could not afford to let it escape him, who knew when he would be able to fill his stomach again.

He approached carefully to where he thought the stall was, being led only by the tantalizing smell of the meat buns. He reached out his hand once he heard that the stall keeper moved to the other side, ready to snatch at least one, hopefully more, of the steaming hot buns.

He never got to do so however as in the next second, he could feel his hand being grabbed and squeezed painfully. He immediately tried to pull away but the person holding him was much stronger than his hungry self. Then he heard the voice he dreaded the most: "Are you hungry, little one? Let uncle buy you a little present. Then we can go somewhere nice and private for you to enjoy it."

He was trying again and again to free his hand but the man was holding it tight, dragging him away by force. They only went a short distance before the man stopped, never letting his hand go. Wei Wuxian knew what was going to happen and he was already trembling all over. It was inevitable now, he would have to work hard, that was how the man was calling it, in order to get the meat bun.

If he did not cooperate, it would only hurt more and anger the man, earning him a beating on top of everything else. So he did not even try to pull away when the man used his free hand and pulled down Wei Wuxian's excuse for a pants. Then he forced him to lay over something and started pounding between his legs.

Pain shot from Wei Wuxian's behind and tears immediately started falling down his cheeks. He felt like he was being pierced from within, being thoroughly broken in half. His hands were restrained behind his back and he had no way to struggle if he found courage to. He could not even scream out his pain as he had already experienced multiple times that it would only anger the man.

All he could do was silently endure and wait for the man to satisfy himself and finally let him go after giving him his reward, the so desired and so hard earned meat bun.

*** Flashback end ***