Art Is Relative

1.

Introductions

High school musical, Camp Rock, Hannah Montana. My teen years were supposed to be when I blossomed into the beautiful babe I had hoped to become since I was in diapers. I had an "unconventionally attractive" face, or at least that was how my mother had described me growing up in order to feel better about me getting my fathers large Dutch nose and undefined jaw. I tend not to like to dwell on it much but it has been a huge source of insecurity for years as it was the main picking point for the kids in grade school. I went through both middle school and high school only ever being a rebound, or a means to get to a girl I was friends with... for example I had a best friend all through out middle school named Kayce, he was fun to hang out with and he know he cared about me, but I ended up reading some messages in the girls locker room about how he wanted to date a close friend of mine, but he had a "backup girlfriend" just in case it didn't pan out. The "backup girlfrien" was me, if you didn't catch on. Me and my friend were no longer close after that. Not Kayce, or the girl that he actually liked. Another unfortunate experience for me was with my best friend from freshman to senior year. When my boyfriend dumped me senior year, he promptly turned around and snatched her up like she was what he was actually waiting for, and I assumed he had been...waiting for her, that is. The entire duration of my time with Dean, he and Lindsey flirted, hung out alone together without me, and excluded me from multiple inside jokes. Part of me is certain he was even cheating on me while we were going out, the other part of me simply wants to assume the best of Lindsey. I'm only telling these stories to prove my point. And that is that I've never felt truly desired. Not by guys, but even more so, by my friends. It's hard going through life and never feeling quite like you have any friends. It's been about a year since I graduated too, and I'd love to say it gets better but I still don't have friends, and I still live with my parents. So there's that. The only thing I can feel like a count on is my job. It's stressful, it's annoying, customers are rude little bitches that insist on you stirring their damn macchiatos. Like damn Brittney, get a latte if you're gonna ask for it stirred, it'll cost you less too. If anything though, I enjoy my coworkers, and working helps me forget that I have nothing to live for currently. I spend my off time watching mindless sitcoms, scrolling, and making horrible art when I feel like I can. Most of the time I don't feel like I can. But regardless of how it looks, and how I felt making it, at least art will always be relative.