Valhalla High (A Magnus Chase Fanfic)

Working Through Trauma is Important

February 1

At this point, I was only doing it for the gummy worms. Alright, I'm not being serious, but the gummy worms were good motivators and the last couple therapy sessions had been rough. "It's like that sometimes," Idun had said, "sometimes you have to hurt a little to heal."

Great, but "hurt a little" should be replaced by "hurt a lot." Not going to lie, sometimes therapy felt like torture. I guess I'd compare it to going to the dentist's office. No one likes going there, but it's kinda necessary.

We started the session by going over my past week. Then, she wanted me to share my homework from last week: writing about how my relationship with my peers affected my self esteem. "Are you ready to hear this masterpiece?" I asked.

Idun nodded. "Okay," I said, "it's not set to a meter, but it's pretty epic."

Idun chuckled. "On my first day of middle school, I got pushed into a locker. At first it didn't seem like much. It sucked because I developed a massive bruise on my forehead, but I hoped that the kids would leave me alone soon. I'd had friends in elementary school, but this place was much bigger and I didn't know many people."

"Overnight, the bruise grew worse," I said. "It spread until it covered half of my face. My mother was really concerned when she saw it. She got ice for me to press against my forehead. The next day, I didn't want to go to school because I felt self-conscious about my bruise. I asked my mother if I could borrow her makeup and I used some concealer over my forehead. Unfortunately, the color match wasn't perfect. When I got to school, the other kids noticed and laughed at me."

"We had a group project in my Science class and I was looking for people to group with. I asked the guy who sat next to me if he wanted to work with me, but he just averted his gaze. I asked a girl nearby, but she ignored me. At this point, I had to get up and go around to ask people. I asked this one kid who was really shy with thick-rimmed glasses. He was always deep in a book during lunch."

"He agreed, but at lunch someone made a comment about him hanging out with me. Someone insinuated that I was gay and hitting on him. The next day in class he wouldn't talk to me, though we were still working on the project together. I was really frustrated, so after class I asked him why he was ignoring me. The guy's cheeks turned red. There was a whole crowd of people surrounding us."

"He didn't say anything for a few moments," I said. "Then, his face colored and he told me he didn't associate with — well, I'm not going to use the word, but you can imagine it. After that, rumors about me being gay swirled around middle school. Guys didn't want to pair with me because they were afraid of being called gay and no one wanted to sit with me at lunch. Our class had an assigned table, so everyone would sit on one end of it and I was stuck in the corner by myself."

    "At first," I read, "I felt angry, but that anger turned to despair and resignation. I didn't know at the time what was happening was bad, but I started acting more withdrawn and one day, my mother asked me why I'd been so quiet recently. When I told her what was going on at school, she was angry, but there was only a month left of the year, so she decided to switch me to another school for the following school year."

     I looked up from my journal (it was black, covered in images of bumblebees, and from my dad). "That's all I wrote," I said.

     "How does it feel to read that all out loud?" Idun asked.

    "I mean, I wrote it," I said, "so I shouldn't be surprised, but for so long I wasn't even able to label what happened to me as bullying and even when I was — I still struggle with feeling like I caused it."

     "Magnus, bullying is never the fault of the victim," Idun said.

    "That platitude sounds nice out loud," I replied, "but it just doesn't reconcile with my life. Why would kids be so mean to me unless I did something to deserve it? I just cannot figure it out. That kid who I paired up with in Science class — we could've been friends. I don't see why — what about me makes people pick on me?"

      "You have friends now, right?" Idun asked.

     I nodded. "Yes, and I'm grateful for them, but sometimes I fear they'll wake up one day and realize the Magnus they think I am isn't the Magnus they know."

"You're afraid that people won't like you for who you truly are?" Idun said.

I nodded. "I feel like I have to hide stuff about myself to be accepted — less this year, but definitely at other schools. If I did anything seemed 'girly' I got teased for it."

"Do you think it's bad for someone to be 'girly' as you put it?" Idun asked.

"Of course not," I replied.

"Then why do you judge yourself for being 'girly?'" Idun asked.

"Are you a therapist or a lawyer?" I asked, "because right now you sound like a lawyer."

Idun smiled. "I'm prosecuting your negative schemas."

"How are my schemes negative?" I said. "And how do you know them? Are you a mind-reader?"

"Schemas," Idun said, "are constructs we form to explain the world around us. They act as lenses through which we see the world through. In your case, your schemas of social isolation and unworthiness make you more socially isolated, therefore reinforcing and exacerbating your schemas."

      "So if I doesn't love myself, then no one can appreciate my swagness?" I asked.

      "An interesting way of phrasing it," Idun said, "but no. People can love you, but because it's hard for you to accept their love, it's not as easy."

      "So this whole therapy thing is to make me loveable?" I asked.

    Idun shook her head. "You already are loveable. I just want you to be able to see that."