Round One

My Heart

My heart shivers at the sight of the nurse drawing my tainted blood out of a small needle she jabbed into my arm moments ago. But yet it still pumps. I've been scared of needles forever, which is quite ironic considering how many needles I've seen in the last 3 weeks alone. You'd think that three weeks is enough time to get over a fear you're exposed to almost daily. I'm not even used to this bland grey room after 3 weeks. I'm not used to sharing it with strangers, and I'm not sure I'll ever get used to strange nurses with familiar faces piercing my veins with sharp needles and taking my life blood with them as they quietly leave the room when they are done. But that's just a thought. A thought interrupted by my mother as she walks into the room wrapping her cardigan tight around her like she's cold. I know she's not really cold it's always warm in this room, I know she's sad, I know she's alone without my dad and even more alone without me at home, and as she walks into the light beaming through the window I know she is beautiful. Her blue concerned eyes notice me.

"How are you feeling sweetheart? Are you ready to go home?" She spoke so softly as she had been for the past 3 weeks.

"Yeah" I said with a bit of sadness and softness in my own voice. I already knew I was only going home for a few days and I'd be back in the same hospital I'm in right now. And I only say it sadly and softly because I fucking hate this place. I looked down at the cotton ball taped to my inner arm in the same spot that the needle had been.  My mother pulled her dark curls back behind her ear and quickly shoved a tear soaked tissue into her cardigan pocket because she didn't want me to know she was crying. I've seen it before just as I'm seeing the redness in her puffy blue eyes that she forgot was visible only to me and the bird sitting on the window sill. I grabbed my phone my bag as I took my moms hand.

"Let's go mom I miss Archer so much I can't wait to tell him I love him" and no it's not what you think Archer is a dog not a boy. I've never been in love, well I love my dog and I love my mom but I haven't been loved so deeply that- well I don't need to explain it's not like I have time for that not right now and maybe never I guess. But one thing I know is that cancer loves me. And there go my thoughts again to the crippling darkness that envelopes my mind a lot lately only ever so slightly fucking off just long enough for me to remember that happiness is a feeling before I think about how sad I am or how sad I should be that this is happening to me. This dreaded thing.

"Wow." I mutter as I breathe in the atomic bliss of the fresh air, smiling as I open my eyes to see a single bee floating on the breeze that lifts my hair as I exit the hospital and begin the search for my moms car in the parking lot.

"There." My mothers voice guided me to a silver crossover which belongs to her. I enter and am overwhelmed with the familiar scent of a cherry bomb air freshener. The scent could almost be described as nostalgic, but then again it's only been 3 weeks.

I close my eyes as my mom begins to drive. Oh how I can't wait to get home and sneak away for a cigarette. I wonder if she knows I still smoke I mean technically I haven't smoked in 3 weeks but I wouldn't say I quit. I mean I want one now. I don't want her to know. Especially not now. Why do I even want one. Yeah that's the first thing I'll do when I get home I'll say I'm going to walk Archer and get Sophie to meet me at the park with a pack of Marlboros and a lighter. Hmmm it's nice to be sitting in a hot leather seat rather than a hospital bed who knows how many people have died in. I hate hospitals. Fuck hospitals.

"Tavia we're home." my mom says with a hint of relief.

I pull out my phone and quickly send Sophie a text.

MEET ME IN 1 HOUR AT HILLTOP PARK AT OUR BENCH. ALSO PLEASE BRING CIGARETTES LOL THANKS I CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU.

Little did I know Sophie is not who I would be seeing in one hour.

"Archer I missed you buddy let's go for a walk" I say as I open the front gate.