always?

pancakes and memories

"And in that moment, I'd have thought you'd know my heart. You're supposed to know." 

She couldn't stop thinking about that sentence. It was spinning around in her head since he said it. Since she went to his place to clear the air. Since she tried to apologize that she had hurt him with saying "What did you do?"

Since he closed the door in front of her.

Since she last really looked in his eyes. They were full of pain. He was really hurt. She thought that they would maybe start fighting, but something worse happened. He didn't get angry; he just was disappointed and hurt. And he told her that she didn't believe in him anymore.

She was a mess ever since that night. She barley spoke to him. And when she did, they spoke about case stuff. 

They were both professionals, so they could push their feelings by side during work. At least they've tried to. But the way he looked at her every time she stepped into the bullpen. The way he looked at her, his eyes filled with pain, before he turned around and lowered his head. It broke her. She knew she'd hurt him. She had hurt him, and she hadn't known it while she did. She'd never thought he'd make such a big deal out of it. But he did.

First, she didn't understand it.

'Why did he make such a big deal out of it? What I've said made sense in the moment.' She asked herself over and over again. 

He was so angry and so emotional when they went on scene searching for Barela. She really thought he'd shot him, that it wasn't a good shoot. It really looked like that when she ran up on him standing over Barela. And the first thought that came through her mind was 'oh gosh please Adam I hope this is not happening'.

"What did you do?" It just came out of her mouth. She didn't really think about it. And when she said it, she immediately saw his face change, and she didn't understand why. He walked away angrily, and she didn't understand what happened. She was worried about him. Really worried about him.

Earlier when he came back from the hospital something was different than before. She had felt it only by seeing him walking into the bullpen. She was worried about him. Something had happened in the hospital. And she knew that his dad had something to do with it.

And when he told her in the car that the name Ruzek would be destroyed forever if Barela would walk into the district alive, she really thought he would do something rash. It really looked like a bad shooting. It really looked like this.

She knew he would never do such a thing, but time has shown that Adam did reckless things. That he did reckless things he would never dare with a clear mind. And when the shots were fired, he wasn't clear. He was way too emotionally agitated.

"Kim, I'm ready." She looked up. Makalya was standing in the door frame with her backpack and the platypus in her hand. "Are you hungry?" She asked, rising from the kitchen table. Makayla only twitched her arms. "We can have breakfast at last week's diner, then I'll take you to preschool."

"Okay", she said with her tiny voice, hugging the platypus. Kim helped her to put on the jacket, checked if Makayla's school uniform was right and then opened the door of the apartment.

Twenty minutes later, they sat at their regular table eating pancakes with maple syrup. Makayla took the same thing every time, and Kim couldn't blame her. The pancakes here were the best in whole Chicago. "Are the pancakes good?" she asked, smiling at Makayla.

"Yes", Makalya smiled briefly and continued eating. Sometimes Kim didn't quite know what to read out of Makayla's restrained behavior.

Her voice often sounded sad, but she smiled and behaved normally. Of course, it was very confusing for her. After all, it was not even two months ago when she had still lived with her parents. And then all of a sudden, her whole life changed. She was sent to her aunt, then taken away from her again. Then she stayed with the DCFS before Kim took her home.

In the beginning she had hardly spoken, occasionally smiled, but almost never spoke. Alanah had told Kim that Makayla had to get used to it first, but it was hard for Kim to see Makayla like this.

After a few weeks it got much better, and Makayla was happier. They had watched a lots of Disney movies together, painted their fingernails together and were often playing in the park. Once they had even met Kev, and Makayla immediately had only eyes for him.

Kevin had also shown Kim how to make Makayla's hair right. He had been a huge support to her anyway. He understood her position better than anyone else. And his experiences were priceless. He knew exactly what it was like to suddenly have responsibility for children out of nowhere. And his experiences with his little siblings had helped Kim so much to find an everyday life with the new situation. She was infinitely grateful to Kevin for that.

But Kevin wasn't the only one who had helped her. Hailey had once been watching Makayla when Kim had to meet with a CI, and Trudy had spent hours with Makayla to give Kim some free time. All the support was overwhelming for Kim, she was so grateful to have such wonderful people in her life.

But there was someone else who kept trying to help her. Though it wasn't that easy...

"Done", Makayla said, and put the cutlery in her plate. She took her glass an drank the rest of the orange juice, then she started to get up. "Okay so let me see what time it is", said Kim as she pulled her phone out of her pocket. It was already 8.10 am. She had to be at the district in twenty minutes. "Okay, you got everything?" she asked and paid the bill that a waitress had just brought. "Yep", Makayla grabbed her stuffed animal and stood up.

In the car, they didn't say anything for minutes. "I'll pick you up at 5 o'clock, as always, and then we'll go see what we want to eat for dinner." Makayla smiled and nodded.

"Is Adam coming too, we didn't see him for a while now?" she asked, and her eyes lit up.

Kim hat to swallow for a second, she didn't know what to say. Adam had often gone out to have dinner with them, and Makayla adored Adam. The two of them kind of had a special connection, and it was incredibly heartwarming to see the two interact.

One afternoon the three were having lunch and Adam and Makayla bet who could eat more ice cream. They both ate around eight ice cream portions until they almost nauseated. Adam actually wanted to order even more, and Kim could just stop him from doing it. "Adam, if you order even more, you'll vomit in my car afterwards, and I don't want that to happen", Kim had said, pulling his arm down as he was about to wave to the waitress. He just laughed and promised Makayla that they would repeat the bet and that he would definitely win. Makayla protested loudly and vowed she would win.

Later that day, both Makayla and Adam had the biggest sugar rush of their lives. They went to the park and Kim watched them playing catch for over half an hour. Then Adam pushed Makayla on the swing until she almost made a flip.

Kim had to stop them again before anything dangerous happened.

She had watched Adam the whole time while he was playing with Makayla. She didn't know what was going on with them two at that time, but she knew that surely, he would be and incredible dad. She had already noticed this when he and Kim hat put Makayla to bed the day, they had met her.

Adam would certainly be a great father, perhaps also because he was still ten years old in his soul. But she had to admit, that was exactly the side she loved about him. This playful, slightly confused and incredibly sweet side.

Makayla had begged Adam, after their sugar rush got better, to come with them and watch Frozen with her. Kim couldn't say no and so it happened that all three watched a movie together that evening. Makayla fell asleep after only 15 minutes on Adam's lap, and he had put an arm around Kim. Nothing more. It was a very simple move of him, nothing special, yet it felt like a small family moment.

"Kim?"....

---

*authors note*

So what are you thinking about this???

After last weeks episode I needed to write my own prediction how Burzek will continue after that conversation. And yeah that's the first chapter. I don't know how many chapter this one will have, but I'll just give it a shot.

Please tell me what do you think about it, I would really appreciate some feedbacks :)

Oh, and of course, thanks for reading!