Fly High, Burn Bright

Chapter 66

I walked into the apartment on shaky legs, only mildly aware of how Dabi hovered right behind me, though I wasn't sure if it was so that he could protect me or catch me in case I fell. Either way, I was more than grateful for it. The feeling that washed over me was both foreign and familiar as I stepped through the entrance and towards the living room. With each step, I was more and more sure that I needed to leave the apartment as soon as possible, before it sent me down a spiral of uncontrollable rage at Hawks. It was a horrible, strange feeling - maybe I was seeing things, or perhaps I was imagining things in my discomfort. Everything was exactly the same as I remembered it to be, and yet, it was so very different.

The living room was no different from how it was before - the same couch and television, the same furniture stood in the same exact spots, and yet, the welcoming feeling of home was gone without a trace. I turned to one of the walls, where I'd hung up photos of me and Hawks from when we were young. They were gone, as if they never existed, as if Hawks was trying his best to wipe me from existence and pretend I was never a part of his life. Part of me wanted to murder him in cold blood for that, but I forced myself under control. It was good that Hawks didn't want anything to do with me. It meant he wouldn't come searching for me, and that meant one less problem on my hands. 

Still, as I roamed to the kitchen just to find that my favorite mug was gone and the coffee machine that I'd prized so much had disappeared too, I felt more hurt than when my entire arm had been burned through. I guess some part of me had hoped that I was wrong, that Hawks still cared and was still waiting for me to come home, but that chance was gone for good now, and the thought alone made guilt surge through my entire body - who was I to think about Hawks when Dabi was still right next to me? I forced any idea of Hawks as far away from me as possible. I needed to just get my belongings and get out, not to linger around every corner and recall past times that were long gone. 

I marched to the bedroom first with a newfound determination, immediately aiming for the shelf crowded with books that I knew Hawks never got around to reading. My breath caught in my throat as I searched my hidden spot, and I sighed in relief when I found the notebook in the same position as I'd left it. Hawks hadn't found it. He didn't read it, and he didn't know about anything in it. Good. I must've turned away a little too fast, because my hip caught on the side of the shelf, shaking it slightly as I stumbled forward. I automatically clutched the notebook to my chest as I caught my balance, but something fell behind me with a soft thump.

I bent down to pick up the object - it was the toy hawk that Hawks had won for me at the carnival so long ago. I gingerly held it in my hand, not knowing what I should feel about it now. It looked as if no one had touched the stuffed toy in months, and I almost felt bad. I'd forgotten all about it as soon as we'd gotten back, and since then, it had been just another collectible that gathered dust on the shelves. Though it barely meant anything to me, I was tempted to take it with me. Surely one comforting thing from my old life would be fine, right? It would serve as a reminder of who I was fighting against and why. I need that reminder, I told myself. I need it to keep me sane. That's all I needed it for, surely. To show me how much I'd lost, to tell me that I needed to fight back and make it even. Not to comfort me with the fact that Hawks had given it to me before he'd despised me. Definitely not that.

"You okay? You've been standing there for a while," Dabi's voice rang out from behind me, and I immediately shoved the stuffed animal back onto the shelf. To hell with reminders. I'd manage just fine on my own without them.

"Yeah, it's nothing. Don't worry about it," I reassured him, my grip on the journal in my hands tightening a little, to which Dabi raised an eyebrow in question. I followed his gaze to the plain cover that I'd never bothered giving a title to. "Oh. These are the notes I took on the League from before. I didn't want Hawks to get them." It felt strange calling him Hawks instead of Keigo, but I decided that I liked it. Keigo was dead to me. Keigo died the second that he lost the loyalty to me that I'd sworn to him. Now it was just Hawks.

"You took notes?" The grin on Dabi's face widened significantly as he pulled the notebook from my grasp , and I didn't bother trying to get it back - he'd just steal it from my hands again, and it wasn't like there was anything other than his own words in there. He started flipping through the pages, his beam only stretching as he skimmed over the paragraphs of endless text.

I rolled my eyes at him, but I couldn't keep the smile from spreading over my face. "Just don't rip it, okay? I wanna keep it and see how far off some of my theories are."

After receiving a quick thumbs up, I left Dabi to do his own thing as I entered the bedroom and headed straight for the closet. I pulled it open and frowned - all of my clothes were gone, with the entire closet being full of Hawks' belongings. I dug a little deeper in hopes that at least he hadn't gotten rid of my favorite sweater, but that wasn't anywhere in sight, either. I lunged for the dresser, pulling out the drawers frantically - surely there was something left and I hadn't forced myself to come back for no reason, right? Wrong.

Instead of the neatly folded shirts and undergarments that I'd expected to see, I was met with sets of extravagant clothing that weren't my own and most certainly weren't Hawks'. My fingers grazed over the dainty cloth of an extremely revealing shirt, and it suddenly all made sense. He'd already long since moved on from me, and was with some side piece now to forget that he'd been living with a murderer like me. Well. That certainly explained his late "meetings" and those yearning glances that he'd always cast at his phone. Perhaps I'd already knew on some level what those had been about, but now, there was no denying it. Hawks didn't love me, and he probably never did. My disappearance did nothing to him, and he wished he'd never met me. He'd already replaced me with someone else, and I was surprised he even kept the stuffed hawk when everything else that had to do with me was gone without a trace. 

My fist automatically clenched around the fabric of the shirt, leaving the once-smooth material with hundreds of wrinkles. I should've known. I should've known it had been a lie. It was too good to be true while it lasted, and now all I could do was wonder when the lie began. Had I lived a whole month in my own little world where everything was perfect? Or had it been even longer than a month? Rage filled me up as I imagined him with another person. How could he do that to me, especially since I was the most loyal person to him? I'd stuck by his side and protected him for years, so how could he just forget me for some other girl so fast?

I at least had the decency to know things were broken off between me and Hawks before I gave in to the temptation of Dabi, but Hawks didn't know where I was - he didn't know if I was dead or alive or if I ever planned on coming back, and he forgot all about me in favor of someone else. It wasn't fair. I was done with Hawks, I knew that, so why did I still feel so damn hurt? Why did just the thought of it make me boil with rage? I forced myself to calm the grip on the fabric - it wasn't the girl's fault that Hawks was an asshole, and it certainly wasn't the shirt's fault, either. I made one quick scan through the bedroom in hopes of finding something of my own, but there was nothing there. I then headed to the study, only to find that my laptop was gone, too. Of course it was. I stoically stalked back to where Dabi was poring  over the notebook and I tore it from his hands, ripping out a page from the back before shoving the journal back to Dabi. One of the many pens of the study flew over the page, leaving a hasty message.

Hawks.

I won't say I missed you, I'm not in the mood to lie right now. Hope you missed me, though. By the looks of it, didn't take you too much to get over my disappearance, did it?

I hope you enjoyed my little gift to your precious agency today. I promise, next time it'll only get better, so be prepared for hell.

See you soon,

Tankei