In the deep

I forgive you

Violence. Bucky is not nice. Read with caution and stay safe pretties.
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   The next twenty fours hours were deafening, you called Bucky's phone until it was dead, hacked into every database you could looking for an image of him but the Winter Solider was a ghost and that's who he was now.

Steve brought you in hot tea that you were sure had a tranquilizer in it at it sat untouched on your nightstand and Tony checked in on you before he headed down to the lab but there was nothing anyone could do.

Bucky had been a ghost for nearly seventy years before Steve figured out his identity, there was no way of tracking him unless he wanted to be found.

A small knock at the door forced you to swipe away the images of security footage and throw covers over your body before Nat walked in fully geared.

"There is a situation we need to take care of off the coast of Africa. Are you alright here?" She sat at the edge of your bed tucking her red hair behind her ear.

"I'm alright, do you need me on coms?"

She shook her head no giving you a weak smile before leaving the room to join the team. You both knew that you wouldn't be an asset to the team on coms, you were distracted.

Moments later you could hear the Quinjet firing up and taking off as you dug deeper into your bed letting it swallow you hole, clutching onto Bucky's dog tags that you had swiped from his room earlier that day. 

You quickly discovered one of the worst side effects of the serum, you couldn't get drunk. Even with the bottle of whiskey under your pillow that you hid from Nat when she came in you felt nothing from it. Not even a little buzz.

It still didn't stop you from taking a deep swig and walking around the compound in your PJs.

You leaned against the railing of the balcony over looking the water, so much had happened in the past year. To say your life had been completely flipped upside down had been an understatement.

One thing after the other since your first day at the compound until now, everything was just still and stagnant, much like the water you were looking at.

Bucky had been your rock through it, even when you were the one who was suppose to be helping him. Even just sitting and playing chess, the way the looked at you brought you a peace you had never known before. Both of you knew in those silent moments more things were said than when you were actually speaking.

But now that you were still everything was coming forward, your mother's death, the chaos of becoming an enhanced, finding out Tony Stark was your father, it all shrilled inside of you forcing you to process it.

The five stages of grief were very clear in a textbook, denial, arguing, bargaining, depression and acceptance, but the way they all felt at once was like a freight train to the chest. They weren't like the textbook said, how they come in order one through five, they made you feel like your soul was being ripped apart, they made you suddenly realize how alone you were.

You had Tony, but you weren't some little kid looking to play catch with your father in the backyard and have tea time. You were an adult and he was well, Iron Man. The relationship would always be complicated.

Suddenly for the first time in many years you just wanted your mother.

Instead you got a boot to the back.

You didn't have to to register what was happening around you, before you knew it you had landed on your back on the second floor terrace's concrete floor. You groaned and your eyes fluttered open to see a knee driving down towards your face from the floor you were launched off. A moment later and it would of made contact with your face.