Stagnant

Repress

Elliot.

Why did I think I could wear this? Why did I think I could do anything and not have it remind me of Elliot?

The overwhelming need to hurt myself washed over me, a tsunami of depression and anxiety drowned me, slamming me in the to dark abyss once again.

I couldn't breathe.

Without a second thought, I stood and raced up the stairs.

Away from rugby. Away from Jackson. Away from everyone.

Away from Elliot.

The entrance to the stadium was pretty empty and quiet, it was easy to find a bench by the wall and forget about where I was.

I don't know how I could possibly go on in life. Elliot was everywhere and it hurt so much. The pain in my chest doubled, tripled, spreading through my entire body. The flame returned, higher and stronger than before, burning and burying me in the smoke and ash.

How was the stadium still standing? Shouldn't it be rubble? Shouldn't this entire world be dead?

I was falling, falling so far in to the chasm of depression and loneliness with no way out. This was my life and this would always be my life. I couldn't move on and I couldn't be happy.

Happiness only lasts so long before the darkness takes over once again.

What goes up comes back down.

It was coming back down. It was plummeting to the ground with no parachute. I was dying.

"Are you okay?" I flinch at his voice. He was so close. Right next to me. How did he get there?

I ignore him. I couldn't breathe - couldn't speak.

"Yes that was a stupid question." He tsks with a sigh. It was quiet for a few moments, the shouting from the crowd was muffled. "Tell me about Elliot."

Pain.

Hearing his name brought so much pain. It was a stab to the heart and lungs; agonising; killing me.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, i grit my teeth at the agony I was experiencing. "You're missing the game."

"I don't care. It's not important. Tell me about him." He insists.

My eyebrows creas in confusion as I breathe out, my voice low and rough. "You knew him."

I see him shake his head from the corner of my eye. "Not from your perspective. Tell me about your Elliot."

"Why?"

His cold hands cup my face, making me face him. A shiver runs through me at the contact. The coldness helps with the fire; water distinguishing a flame. "You are never going to heal if you don't talk about it. It's all trapped inside you Elizabeth. You're bottling everything up, you're burying all your emotions and it's unhealthy. Emotions don't fade or go if you pretend they're not there. They just get stronger and more powerful until they overthrow you, until you're not in control anymore. They will control you like puppets on a string.

"You can't bury your emotions, you can't bury your pain. That's not how it works. Pain doesn't disappear, it gets better with time but you have to feel it first. You have to have those nights where you cry yourself to sleep and the constant ache in your heart. You have to take that pain and hold it tight, you hold it close to you so it becomes part of you. Pain changes people, some for the better and some for the worst. You haven't healed Eliza. You've lost yourself, you've allowed this pain and Elliots death to overthrow you. You've been knocked off your throne, depressions weighed boot keeping you on the ground. You have to rise above it and learn to live with it. You have to move on or else you will stay in the past forever. You'll watch as time passes, the years going by like seconds because you can't move on and live with life." He sighed, staring so deep in to my eyes that I thought he could see my deepest secrets and emotions. "You have to talk and let it all out. Please. I have the shovel remember? Help me dig them up."

What does a cloud do when it gets too heavy?

It rains.

I started raining.

"Elliot and I always used to argue about petty things. We never, in all my life, had a serious argument. It was always about who would sit in what seat, who ate the last slice of the pizza, who was going to use the bathroom first. We used to play fight, wrestle each other. He was on the rugby team and pretty big so I stood no chance but he would always act like my punches hurt him and let me win on some occasions. If he won though then he would hold it over me for weeks, or until we had our next fight." I smiled at the memories. His face, his voice, his touch, his aura, his essence. My twin; my best friend. "He was so funny, always laughing and joking, always making fun of me but always building me back up. God I loved his laugh. His laugh was the funniest thing I had ever heard. I loved making him laugh. He was my rock, he was the person I went to if I was upset. He always knew if something was wrong. One look at my face and he would turn in to a detective, interrogating me and then he'd turn in to a mum and make sure I was okay and baby me and then he'd get angry at whatever made me sad. He was three fucking minutes older than me and he would not let me forget it. Do you know how annoying it is to always be reminded that you're three minutes younger than someone?"

He chuckled, shaking his head. "I can't say that I do."

"Well I'm telling you it's so annoying..." I paused in my laughter, my mouth dry. A punch landed in my stomach, the air being knocked out of me. "It was so annoying. It was... past tense."

His arms immediately pulled me to his chest when my shoulders started shaking. I was gasping, crying, sobbing, trembling, clutching at his top to hold on, to stop the world from turning and collapsing and shaking.

He's gone. Elliot is gone. He's gone. He will always be dead.

"Let it all out. I've got you, Lizzy. I've got you."

The nickname- what Elliot used to call me.

I squeezed my eyes shut at the name, the pain washing over and over again, battling me, pushing me under, drowning me.

Why couldn't it have been me?

I wish I died instead of him. If I was given one wish it would be to swap places with him.

If I was given one wish, I would wish that I died instead of Elliot.

But that would never come true. I would never get my wish.