Finally Found

Chapter 26 • Reality

I feel a tear run down my cheek, then another one and another until my body's shaking with sobs no one but me can hear. I run my nails down my thighs hard until they leave behind barely noticeable white lines. The pain feels good, like I deserve it.

Sometimes I've wondered what it would feel like to drag a knife across my leg instead of my nails. But I know I wouldn't test that theory, I can't. I know no matter how much I wish to end everything I'm to scared of death to be able to go through with it, or leave my brothers after just finding out about them.

Looking down at the white lines that overlap the others I've made in the past I think of the promises I made to Leonardo. He was right digging my nails into my palms wasn't enough I wanted more, I needed more.

I broke his promise.

I cry harder at this thought. I can't help the self hatred I feel for myself, I deserve everything bad to happen to me, I deserve this pain. I ruin everything I touch and John knew it, it's only a matter of time before everyone around me realizes this to.

I lean my head back not caring about the loud thud it makes when it bangs into the wall, not caring about how it gives me a headache, only caring about the pain it gives me. The pain I know I deserve.

Shutting off the water I grab my fluffy towel and get out of the shower. I wipe away the condensation that has fogged up the mirror, curling my lip in disgust at the person that stares back at me.

Rubbing my red and swollen face with the towel I wipe away the mixture of water and tears. Brushing through my hair slowly I try to get rid of the thoughts from the shower. I can't cry again because I can't risk my brothers seeing my red and swollen face.

I throw my hair up in a towel not caring if it gets tangled, before drying off my body and putting on my uniform. I put on black tights so there's no way anyone can see the new white lines I just created.

I rinse my face with cold water to bring down the puffiness around my eyes before covering my dark circles with concealer to hide the fact that I haven't slept in days.

Drying my hair I braid it back so it's out of my face except for to strands of curls that frame my face.

When I'm done I just stare at my self in the mirror forcing a smile. I look happy, my tiny dimples show and the scars behind my eyes are covered by walls hiding them deep into my mind.

I brush my teeth before sliding on black boots and making my way downstairs with my phone and backpack.

I feel like I'm not in my body today like I'm just watching everything around me happen without actually acknowledging anything. My legs feel like they're gonna give out any second. My body just feels, weak.

I stumble into the kitchen looking up expecting to see Linda cooking but I was shocked to see Matteo making omelettes, Emilio and Luca we're hovering over him like children waiting for the food to be ready while Antonio was sitting on a barstool texting someone on his phone.

When I walked in Antonio looked up and smiled at me softly before gesturing to the seat next to him. I slowly made my way to the seat before sitting down on it, Antonio usually ignores me in the morning. He's been better and hasn't been rude to me lately but he also hasn't initiated at interacting with me.