Only A viewer Behind The screen

-part 1-

I watch you on screen , pictures in my gallery filled with you oh how amazing would it be if you were real. A comfort character , a favorite  anime and my overdue homework's on the side I live this life on a repeat. The challenges I face buried inside my heart , closing it from everyone who approaches me. The scars on my arms, the wounds on my thighs, the thoughts on my head, would it be ok if I'm dead?

Watching anime day and night , kinning characters I relate to the most , I wonder how nice it would be to give them a hug during their toughest times . I care for the shows , the characters I love but why can't I even take care of myself. I hear my parents screaming " GO DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW" or " YOUR ALWAYS IN YOUR ROOM YOUR ALWAYS ON YOUR PHONE DO SOMETHING USEFUL" , I got so used to the criticism each day that I don't even have the motivation to move out of my bed

Sometimes I think wouldn't it be fun to commit double suicide with Dazai or to fall down a tall building during the sunset. When I die will someone be sad, is anyone gonna remember me ? The people who talk behind me , the criticisms I receive , the beauty standards in this society will I be able to survive?

I cry when sad scenes from the anime i'm watching pops up like how Ash said "sayonara" to Eiji because it would be the last time they would meet or the flashbacks while mafuyu was singing the song he wrote about his past love, but why am I always unable to express my own feelings , why can't I say what I want to say , why can't I just tell people what I want for myself and not others , when will I ever learn to put myself first before others , when will I learn to be selfish for once in my life , when will I ever be able to scream and let everything out ,when will I learn how to love myself.

I'm only a viewer behind the screen my life isn't  perfect, I put a fake smile on my face then everyone will think i'm ok an endless cycle of hiding my loneliness to the world, I watch anime that's all there is to it , my standards are to high, I blame everything to the dark reunion what else is there to live for. 

The lonely nights, the starry skies I wonder what's beyond the lights. Could there be a parallel universe where my future self would send a letter to me just like the anime. All my regrets, all my mistakes, how I wish I could forget them all.

I live through another day , the same routine, the same place and the same routine over and over again, my life's  a cycle of do's and don'ts. I make mistakes , have breakdowns and fangirl over Daisuke Kambe who is fit to become a sugar daddy. 

I met some friends and they let go, that's all there is to it. A relationship that never lasts a love that fades away, but how the fuck can anime characters have better relationships than me they're  not even real.

Just Imagine someone caring for you that they are willing to go to another universe just to save you. In my daily life I cry , make cuts on arms and stay in my room till the sun is down. It hurts, it really does the pain in my chest feels so heavy it's like I'm gonna die. No one else understands my pain. I feel so alone in the world. Will I ever see the light just like kyouka or find someone who understands and loves me just like the couples in wotakoi:love is hard for otaku.

But lmao in the end I might just give up anyway.

A/N: hi there!! if you have any feedback in the story pls dont hesitate and leave a comment so I know where I can improve in , also should i continue the story? ehehehehe🙈