Need a Hand?

05 • You're Not My Dad

So, as Hana wraps up her speech and smiles brightly at the family, I can only lean back in my seat, cross my arms, and look away. Because for all that I am a pessimist, I know better than to lash out at others and berate them for not seeing what I see.

It's still super fucking annoying to hear them talk.

ʕง•ᴥ•ʔง

Tenko is practically vibrating in excitement and, as amusing as it is, it's also really exhausting to keep up with him. For all that I am now a child and should realistically have the same energy levels as one, I am over thirty mentally and everyone knows that the mental state affects the physical state.

And, being mentally over thirty, I don't really get excited about birthdays - especially not my own. I stopped tracking how old I was as soon as I reached thirty, and all I can really remember was that it had been a few years since that point. I don't really see the appeal to celebrating something that I was hated for - being born.

Oh, sure, it's different in this life, but old habits die hard. You can't just decide to change a mentality, it doesn't work that way. Which is why it's beginning to get really annoying and exhausting having to put up with the family's celebrating mood.

I think living a civilian life, without any real strife, is starting to get to me. I can get away with a lot of things in this world filled with Quirks, but there are some things that aren't right for a child to know or enjoy. It's not right for a child to be so vulgar, or take pleasure in thinking up and describing the most gruesome things. It's not right for a child to think of violence as just another option, a tool to use to get what they want. It's not right for a child to jump up and cheer when the villain (in the news, movies, comics, storybooks etc.) comes close to winning, or whine and complain about their idiocy while explaining the different ways they could have won.

Tenko doesn't mind it, seeing it as one of my little quirks (ha), but I've noticed the looks Mother has passed me, heard the concerned murmurs Gran and Gramps share, seen how Hana shifts uncomfortably in my presence sometimes. It doesn't hurt, no, I don't share any true affection for these people or feel any deep bonds with them - the only one that can claim either is Tenko and I practically raised the boy.

It's just..tiresome, to have to reign in my normal habits and tendencies just to have a chance at a peaceful life. Which is a stupid thought process, I'll admit. I lived, survived, and fucking thrived in a life filled of blood, betrayal, manipulation, cruelty. Thinking this new life could be a new life, a new start, a clean slate, a second chance was beyond naive and draft on my part, but never let it be said that I don't at least try.

Why I try, I don't really know, but I've never been one to dig too deep into my own feelings or reasoning.

I can only blink slowly, an exhaustion unbefitting of a five-year-old on my shoulders, and trudge up a smile as Tenko wraps his arms around me, shouting his glee in my ear. The fact that Fuyumi and Touya, somehow, got permission to attend our small celebration definitely adds to my twin's excitement.

"-and Fuyumi said that they might bring their little brother!"

"That so?" I hum, allowing my brother to pull me into the living room where the main decorations have been set up. "What nickname should I give the little bugger? Oh, maybe that can be his nickname, what do you think?"

He laughs, but to be honest, it's more of a cross between an exasperated sigh and groan of frustration. "You can't call him that if you haven't even seen him, Nee-chan!"

"Ah," I mutter, nodding my head as if I've just had an epiphany. Tenko immediately looks back at me suspiciously. "You're right." He stops, turning to fully face me and crossing his arms in the process while narrowing his eyes. We stand there for a few tense seconds before a slow contemplating frown stretches across my face. "What if he doesn't look like a bugger?"