Need a Hand?

05 • You're Not My Dad

One would think that'd it be hard to form familial bonds when you remember having another family. They wouldn't be wrong, per se, but they also wouldn't be right. Case in point: my first family was a bag of shit.

The Shimura Family, my current family, is much better in comparison. And due to such, one would also think that I'd be amicable to keep the family together.

They would be completely wrong.

If I don't like something, then I don't like something. Simple as that, no 'if's, 'and's, or 'but's about it. Emotions and bonds have absolutely no say in the matter. There's also taking into account that I'm one Cynical Bitch - capital letters and all.

It isn't hard for me to see the negatives in any and all situations, so it isn't surprising to find myself biting my cheek in an effort to stop myself from systematically tearing apart every point in Hana's speech-essay-thing.

It's a school project meant to make students talk more about themselves and family. Students can complete it in any way they see fit — family tree, slideshow, story, essay, speech, whatever. Hana, so very enthusiastically I'd like to add, decided she'd preach about her family in some speech that's formatted like an essay.

Right now, she's reading it aloud to everyone in the living room for practice and review. Gran and Gramps are cooing, Mother is proudly smiling, Tenko is beaming with an embarrassed flush to his face, and Father- well he isn't here.

See the problem yet?

Everyone has their flaws, it's what makes them human, and I can't fault them for that. But there are some flaws that can be so easily improved upon, that it's annoying to see.

Father isn't really around. Oh, he's home alright, but he's locked up in his office more often than not. The only time I really see him is during dinner and even then he's reading some papers and staying out of the conversations.

Now, this is something I could easily accept and leave the man alone.

But then there are the times when he is around and imposes his "head of the house" position. The times where he fixes his rules on us and quickly angers when seeing them broken. The times he ignores Mother and forgets special holidays and dates. The times where he practically insults Gran and Gramps' methods of interacting with my siblings and I. The times where he coldly criticizes anything Hana does. The times where he drags Tenko, my little twin brother, by the arm to spit a lecture into his face.

The times where he, indirectly, harms and threatens the family.

Oh the man has his good moments, I wouldn't exactly call him Father otherwise. It isn't abuse, not exactly (I know what abuse is - have seen and been victim to different forms of abuse), but it also isn't him simply being strict. It's a thin, shaky balance between the two. Mother loves the man, Gran and Gramps respect him, Hana and Tenko also love and respect him, but...

Hana and Tenko are afraid of the consequences that come from breaking one of the man's rules. So long as the rules are followed, everything about the household and family is fine. Which makes it all so wrong. It's opposition of the smallest degree; cutting off specific career paths at the very beginning, stopping thoughts on certain topics from expanding, nudging and shuffling things to fit a mold.

It sounds bad but it doesn't look bad, making it all the harder to vent my frustrations. I'd be accused of blowing things out of proportion should I ever bring it up, of seeing things in a negative light just because I don't like the man - and maybe I am! Maybe I am being excessively negative and pessimistic, but better to expect the worst than be caught off guard, right?