Ghost Boy

11

Another day, another rehearsal. I know they told me to stop attending them, but I didn't want to walk home by myself. Also, I enjoyed watching them perform, and there was nothing else to do. Mom and Dad were home, so I couldn't talk to Jay without them hearing us, and I didn't want to just sit around playing video games for the rest of the night, since I had gotten all my homework done. Anna looked a little disappointed when she saw me in the audience, but wasn't going to tell me to leave. She asked why I was here during intermission, and I simply told her that I wanted to be here on my own free will. She took that for an answer, and continued with the performance. Harley had about the same reaction, but was easier on me about it. He didn't care as long as I wanted to be there. They wrapped the whole thing up eventually, and both of them ran down the aisle to meet me as we started to head back home like usual. I honestly liked that they had gotten involved in theater, it gave us an excuse to hang out after school. Mom was always worried about where I was when I was with them, and I needed to text her all the time about who's house I was going to be at, or where we were in general. Now I could just tell her that I was going to rehearsal beforehand, and she wouldn't have any other questions.

It was still mostly bright outside, similar to when Jay and I went into the backyard together and I... sort of came out. I had been thinking about our talk ever since we finished, and I realized that it made a lot of sense. I had never shown attraction to women, and frankly had no interest, and I could totally see myself with a guy. It just felt so right. I would have to think it over a little more though until I was officially open about what my sexuality was, and I was going to give myself that time. I think Anna would be proud of me for that. I would tell both of them when I was absolutely sure, until then, it would have to wait. Anna had taken her car to school since it was raining, and offered us a ride home.

"Nah, we'll be fine. I think Theo and I should have a man-to-man talk, what do you say?" Harley was painfully awkward about what he just said, and I could tell he really needed to talk about something.

"Okay. See you guys!" she waved goodbye as she got in the car, and pulled out of her parking spot. Harley kept a fake smile on, until she was far enough from view. Then his entire demeanor dropped. "So... I really need to talk to you, man." he put his hand over the back of his neck, still awkward.

"I figured. Come on, let's walk." I turned around from the parking lot, and he followed next to me, as we started to take the path towards the back of the school that headed home.

"What's up?" First it was me and Anna having a real talk by ourselves, and now it was with Harley. I was glad they were willing to share things like this with me, it made me feel included. But seeing him bothered was different, his energy spread onto me. I felt like every conversation I had lately with the both of them were so melancholy. I didn't like it, but at the same time, it was better than drifting away from them. Thoughts of Anna and Harley leaving me for each other was still lingering in the back of my head, but because Anna had promised not to leave me behind, it did make me feel a little better. While it probably wouldn't change the outcome of the situation, I was glad she wanted to try for me.

"Okay... this has been going on for a while now, and I've been waiting for a chance to talk to you alone-" he took a breath in, and I was already guessing at what he was going to say.

"I think... I think I like Anna."

Wow. I was so shocked.

"I know."

He looked like he choked on air. "What?"

"I know. No offense, but you're not great at hiding things."

I think he was having an aneurysm because he went completely silent and just stared at the ground, eyes huge. I was surprised he didn't stop walking and died of a heart attack right then and there, it was almost like he was still trying to keep his cool, when he knew that wasn't going to work. Suddenly he went from concerned to terrified.

"Shit, do you think she knows?"

It took everything in me to not laugh in his face, but I kept myself together. "Maybe. Anna's smart, if I could see through you, she probably can too." I thought about what I would have said if I didn't know the truth, and gave him just that. If I had been too obvious, I would have just said I didn't know, and moved on.

"Aw, fuck. That's not good..." he gripped at the roots of his hair, frustrated. He shook his head, getting rid of the current thought. "That's not the point, I'll think about that later. I just... I've been denying that I've had a crush on her for so long because I didn't want to make things weird. But it's been so hard, I feel like it's getting worse every day." 

It was honestly amusing watching how embarrassed he was. Harley always put on this act where he was so full of confidence, and nothing could throw him down. But once the mask slipped, he was so vulnerable to every little thing.

"Well, I don't really blame you for that. But if this has been going on for a long time, I think you should confront your feelings and maybe talk to her about it." I paused for a long time after I finished talking. Since when did I become decent at advice?

That worried expression didn't leave his face. "Yeah... I guess. I just don't know what she'll say! I haven't gotten many signs that she likes me back, and that's usually a sign to back off." I was glad he knew that much. When you like someone, you usually give hints. Anna hadn't done much, but he had been so obvious about it.

"You should think about what you might want to say about how you feel. That's the first step."

He seemed to notice that I was good at this, but still stared at the ground, face flushed. It did that when he was nervous, I had seen it on numerous occasions.

"That's the thing. I'm... not really sure what my feelings are. I mean... what's it feel like when you like someone?" I felt like he was asking an obvious question, Anna and I had gone over this just the other day, but he obviously didn't know about that.

"Well... I'd say you care about her a lot. Maybe more than just a friend. But when you're thinking about the concept of love-"

"I-I don't know about love-"

I cocked an eyebrow at him. He bit the inside of his lip, knowing that I won. "Okay, okay, fine. What about it?"

"Love is when you want to spend all your time with one person. You care about them more than most things, if not everything. You feel as if they help you become a better person, because they encourage you to do so. They make you happy, even if it's just the little things, the big things can come later. They're your favorite person to be around, and you feel like you can really talk to them without needing to pretend to be or feel something else. You trust them. And seeing them happy makes you happy too, so you want to be the source of that happiness. You try your best to be the best you that you can be for them, and eventually, that can shape you into becoming a better person. But you also want to do whatever you can to give the other person what they want, even if it means that you get hurt. That's what love is."

He was absolutely speechless, and stopped walking, jaw on the ground. I was surprised too, frankly. "And just where the fuck did you learn all of that?"

It finally sunk in. "I... don't know. It just kinda... came to me."

He didn't like that answer, and would have asked a whole lot more, but we arrived at his house before anything else could be said. I let him go inside, and found myself standing in his front yard for far too long. I thought over everything I just said, and my brain still didn't want to accept that I knew all this stuff. It wasn't good for me, but my heart was constantly aching from this feeling I had. I wanted it to go away so bad it was tearing me apart.

I swallowed the lump on my throat, and turned around, walking down the road to my house. Jay was probably waiting for me to come home. I hoped he wasn't out in front again.