~ 𝙰𝚖𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚑𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚘𝚛 𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚢 ~

Can't Do It Alone [James March]

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Summary: james march x reader where she’s decided she wants to be with him in the hotel forever and as much as he wants the same thing, he can’t bring himself to kill her so they can have their eternity— he’s never opposed to a bit of bloodshed but when its y/n? The thought makes his heart clench

Pairing: James Patrick March x Reader

Word Count: 858

Warning: suicide, might be trigger. read at your own risk.

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You knew what you wanted. You knew this is what you wanted. And yet, you still found yourself hesitating.

It was one thing to think about killing yourself and another thing to actually follow through with it. You can’t stop the shaking of your hands as you hold the razor blade tightly in between your thumb and pointer finger. You knew there was many easier ways to go out, but you also knew that this was more or less how James had taken in his own life.

And, in some sort of twisted romantic way, it seemed perfect.

“Okay, okay,” you whisper, your voice breathless as you shake your head rapidly. You try to shake the scary and hesitant thoughts away, because you know without a doubt that this is what you want. It was a strange feeling; to want to die. But you wanted to be with James, and there’s was only one way to make that last for eternity. Otherwise you’d grow old and he would not and eventually, it just… wouldn’t be possible anymore.

However, physically killing yourself? To press the sharp edge of a razor against your throat and… cut? That was entirely different then just wanting to die, to knowing this is the fate you wanted. You didn’t know if you had the guts to do it yourself. At least not alone.

But James refused to let you die. He didn’t even know you were here, right now, doing this. He didn’t want you to die. Which was a strange thought on it’s own considering that James had never been one to stray from bloodshed and death. You figured that it was just different when it came to you. That for the first time in his life, James didn’t want to harm someone; mentally or physically. He wanted to protect you, keep you safe and he knew that letting you die in this hotel would only internalize your suffering.

And if there was anyone you wanted to be here with you, it was him. No one else. Yet, he wasn’t even an option.

Inhaling deeply, you raise your hand, pressing the razor against your throat. It hovers there and you don’t press down, the tiniest and shallowest line of red bubbling up on your neck as you stare at your reflection stare back at you from the bathroom mirror. You just held it there, some unspeakable force stopping you from moving.

Which confused you beyond because because you did want this. You just didn’t want to die alone.

“What are you doing?”

You jump, the sudden voice and sound of a door slamming pulling you out of your own revere. With wide eyes, you spin, meeting James’ own as he comes racing towards you, pulling your hand away from your neck and even managing to nick himself on the finger while trying to pull the razor from your hand. You fight him for a moment, calling out mumbled words of no and please and his name before he gains the advantage over you and rips it from your grasp.

Almost instantly, his hands falls on your shoulders, eyes blazing. “Are you trying to kill yourself?” His voice roars, booms the silence of the hotel room. For a brief second, you’re even a little afraid but it all fades when you truly hear his words. Your eyes narrow in return and your gaze floods with frustration of your own as you huff.

“Yes! I am!”

“Why?” James bellows, “why would you do that?!”

“Because I want to be with you!”

That cause James to halt, his tight grip on your shoulders faltering as he blinks back at you.

Voice lowering, you shake your head, eyes watering; “I just want to be with you…”

James lets go of you, his hands hovering before himself momentarily before he reaches out, cupping your cheek gently, his touch soothing. You lean into his touch, basking in it as James inhales sharply, biting his lip. “I know…” He whispers, “I know. I just… I don’t want to see you die. I’m… I’m scared.”

It’s strange, hearing that kind of vulnerability from James’ own lips. You’ve never seen him so… vulnerable like that. But at the same time, it only assures you of what you’d already decided; that you love James, despite everything he’s done and you want to be with him forever.

Placing your hand over his own, you pull his eyes steadily on your own. “I know,” you mumble, repeating his own words. “I am too… but I know what I want. And James?” He hums, “this is what I want.”

James doesn’t say anything but his eyes soften and his resolve flickers somewhat and he just sighs.

Grabbing the razor he’d set on the counter, you hold it up between the two of you. “But I can’t do it alone.”

And for a moment, he just stares at you; every bit of hesitation and doubt flooding his gaze as his free hand inches towards the razor. Before finally, with a deep inhale, he places his hand over your and gives you the answer you’ve been waiting for.

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